Back when I was doing improv, one of my favorite games was one called Two Guys. Basically, you take the standard joke "Two (insert random noun)s walk into a bar/restaurant and the owner says "We don't serve (noun)s here and the (noun)s reply with the punchline." The fun was trying to make whatever nouns people chose into a decent joke.

So, anyone up for it? (waits two seconds)...great, I'll start! ;-) We'll start easy. Make a joke, then leave a noun for someone else to pick up and turn into the next joke (or just post your own!)

Two pickles walk into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve pickles here." The pickles replied, "Oh, sorry we thought your door was ajar..." (badoom CHISH!)

And one more to grow on (showing ways to break the rules):

Two martinis walk into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve martinis here." He grabbed one by the glass and tried to kick it out, but couldn't move it. The other one started to cuss him out and called him all sorts of bad names, so the bartender called the cops. When they showed up, he told them the whole story. The cops said, "Well, did you try and kick 'em out?" and the bartender said "Yeah, of course."
"So, what happened?"
"Well, the first was was shaken, but not stirred and the other was just plain dirty."

Wow...I went a LONG way for that one...! LOL

Anyway, you get the idea...who wants to pick up the next two guys joke with...bananas?

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Anyway, you get the idea...who wants to pick up the next two guys joke with...bananas?

So, these two bananas walk into this bar, and the bartender yells out "Hey, we don't serve bananas in here!" And one of the bananas asks "Why not?", and the bartender says, "Well, despite the fact that bananas are grown in over 130 countries, more than any other fruit crop, and are a valuable source of Vitamin A, Vitamin B6, Vitamin C, and potassium, well, we still find you unapeeling."

Did I miss the point of this?

-wassamatta_u

hmmm, ok I'll give it a shot...

Two bananas walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your kind here! Now Split!"

hehehe laim, but fun!

Next: penguins

~HP~

hehehe Timing is everything. I liked yours better!

~HP~

two penguins walked into a bar, and the bartender yells out, "get outta here...this bar is strictly a casual place!"

night writer

next: teddy bears (in honor of party with a bear day today)

Two penguins walk into a bar. Bartender strikes up a conversation with them about traveling...
Penguins love to travel and have been almost everywhere... they talk about all the places they've traveled..

"We've liked all the places we've been.....well, except Britan... " says one. Bartender questions this.
"Why didnt you like Britan?"

"well, um... we're afraid of Wales."

<insert rimshot here>

ok next: ... chocolate chip cookies

LOL

haha ;-D

we watched March of the Penquins tonight.. how weird penquins would come up! ;-D

Two chocolate chip cookies walk into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve chocolate chip cookies here, get out."

As they walk out, one cookie says to the other, "I thought you had a chip on your shoulder."

I want to hear the one about the teddy bears (previously requested)

Janet, TX

cute!!!
A+++

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Did I miss the point of this?

-wassamatta_u

I don't. No, no, I. UHH, nope, I don't think you missed a tick. Didn't miss it at all.

Eaglewatcher

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I want to hear the one about the teddy bears (previously requested)

A teddy bear walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady wearing a corduroy sweater. Lifting himself up onto the stool, he orders a drink, then looks at the lady next to him. The bartender goes to get his drink, and from a distance, watches as the teddy bear says something to the lady, who promptly slaps him, and leaves.

Frowning, he brings the drink over to the bear, glaring. "I normally don't serve teddy bears in this bar. What did you say to that woman that made her hit you?"

The teddy bear massages his cheek as he responds, "I don't know, I just asked her what she likes to be stuffed with."



(ok, ok, horrible, i know. this is why i'm not an improv comedian :( )

next: pineapples


CQ

Two pineapples walk into a bar and the bartender says "I'll have you know, we don't serve pineapples in here. " And the one pineapple says, "That's good, 'cause I don't want any garnish in my drink anyway - just a paper umbrella please."

~groan~ Sorry couldn't resist giving it a try:)

next: paper clips

FreezyCat

two paper clips walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve paper clips here." So the paperclips turn around to leave, and the bartender says, "I said, we don't serve paper clips here!" So one of the paper clips says, "we're leaving already, don't get bent out of shape!"

night writer

next: cell phones

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A teddy bear walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady wearing a corduroy sweater. Lifting himself up onto the stool, he orders a drink, then looks at the lady next to him. The bartender goes to get his drink, and from a distance, watches as the teddy bear says something to the lady, who promptly slaps him, and leaves.

Frowning, he brings the drink over to the bear, glaring. "I normally don't serve teddy bears in this bar. What did you say to that woman that made her hit you?"

The teddy bear massages his cheek as he responds, "I don't know, I just asked her what she likes to be stuffed with."

ROFLMAO! I should NOT be reading this on my break at school!

Naughty people!

Two cell phones walk in a bar and start talking really loud to each other. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve cell phones here." They totally miss this and keep talking. He moves a little closer and says "I said, we don't serve cell phones in here!" They still don't move, but continue to talk so loud, it's no wonder they're missing it. He gets right in front of them and says (surely you all saw this coming)....

"Can you hear me NOW?"

Next up: stop signs (I did safety patrol this morning!) :-)

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Next up: stop signs (I did safety patrol this morning!) :-)

You people are GOOD at this!!!

Ok, here goes...

So this Stop Sign walks into this bar holding a cigarette, see, and the bartender looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing in here? Aren't you supposed to be out on the street corner directing traffic?" And the Stop Sign says, "Nah, I'm too old fashioned, I can only face in one direction, and sometimes I confuse people. I'm hoping to find a replacement." So the bartender gets this quizical look on his face, and asks "Well, why are you in here, then?" And the Stop Sign holds up the cigarette and says, "What I REALLY need is a light!"

Ok, ok, you can "stop" booing now... at LEAST I didn't try to stretch out an "Octagon" pun...

Next up: Kidney Stones

-wassamatta_u

Two Kidney Stones walk into a bar. The bartender moseys over and asks them what they want to drink. When one stone tries to order a scotch on the rocks, the other starts to yell at him, " You've had enough tonight, you're done, I'm cutting you off!"

A fight ensues...the bartender calls 911. When the cops arrive the place is a mess, and the bartender is nursing a black eye. One of the cops asks what happend, and the bartender says, "They got a little rowdy, so I had to Break Them Up!"

Get it..Kidney Stone...break them up??? I know, I know!!! This is why I leave the comedy up to the professionals!!!

moonshowr ¤

Whoops....forgot!

Next; Pens

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Get it..Kidney Stone...break them up??? I know, I know!!! This is why I leave the comedy up to the professionals!!!

Are you kidding? That was GREAT!

Now, it' still up to you to suggest a new topic...

-wassamatta_u

Well, thank you very much!! :)

I know, I forgot, that is why I was on there twice....

moonshowr

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Next; Pens

This pen goes into this bar, with back ink all over itself, jumping up and down and squirming. So, the bartender yells out "Hey, you, get outta here! You're messing up the place, getting ink all over... scram!" And the poor pen looks up at him pleadingly and says "Please can I use your restroom? I gotta leak!"

(Desperate topics call for desperate measures)

Next on board: A 2x4 !

-wassamatta_u

Two turtles walk into a bar.....

-- Ryan

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Next on board: A 2x4

A 2x4 walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve 2x4s here." The 2x4 says "That's OK I'm not really thirsty, I just came in because I'm board"

Next: Lamp

Larry

Okay..last one...

A 2x4 walks into a bar. The bartender wanders over and asks, "What'll it be mister?" The 2x4 asks for a club soda. The barkeep rolls his eyes, shakes his head, and says, "This is a BAR, mister, live a little, don't be such a stiff!!"

Wow, I never knew I could even DO this!!! ;)

Next: a kite

moonshowr ¤

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Two turtles walk into a bar

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Next: Lamp

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Next: a kite

Two turtles walk into a bar, and sit down next to a lamp guy and a kite girl. The lamp is obviously interested in the kite, but the kite seems to be ignoring the lamp. So one of the turtles looks at the other turtle and whispers to him "Hey, whadya say we make a little wager? I bet before the evening is through, the lamp gets lucky with the kite." "You're on!" says the other turtle. So, as the evening wears on, the turtles start trying to swing the contest their way... the first turtle starts buying the kite drinks, and the second turtle starts buying the lamp drinks. Pretty soon, the lamp and the kite are both pretty tipsy, and the turtles have run up a hefty bar tab. The kite and the lamp both start laughing at the turtles, obviously enjoying some inside joke. The turtles get a little upset and ask "What's so funny?" At which point the Lamp says "Ha! Our plan worked! We were just trying to get free drinks." "Free Drinks???" yelled the turtles. "Yep," said the lamp, "so shell out! I was trying to get lit, and she was just stringing you along!"

Ok, look, I get credit for trying don;t I?

Next topic: worms

two worms go into a bar. bartender gets out his pocket knife..


four worms leave the bar...





next: dictionaries (in wassamatta_u's honor)

two dictionaries walk into a bar, and the bartender says, hey, we don't serve dictionaries here. one of the dictionaries points to a sign on the wall, and says, yeah? then why does that sign say dictionary night on Tuesday? The bartender doesn't even look at the sign before he answers. he says "the sign says pictionary night, not dictionary night. get out.

as the dictionaries leave, the one says to the other...being a dyslexic dictionary really sox.

night writer. next: altoids tins

That was good!!! :D

moonshowr ¤

Okay, I totally messed the 2x4 joke up, and it would sound sooo much better as a corpse joke!

Can I revise it?? Please???

I got a really good one! Well, maybe just a good one....alright, it's probably a groner, but I like it!

moonshowr ¤

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Can I revise it?? Please???

Go for it!!!