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So, here I sit, with a fainted Sprite amid a quickly deteriorating mound of dessert, wondering what other strange things the future holds for me…

So that’s where we were. I held the unconscious Sprite for a while, occasionally shaking her like a maraca to see if she would wake up. She never even rattled. I figured I had better keep moving… the Jello was starting to ooze a bit, and the room was getting rather ripe. But what to do with Sprite? I considered putting her in my pocket, until I realized I was wearing this cockamamie Bard outfit, and it didn’t HAVE any pockets. And I sure as heck wasn’t going to shove her down my tights for safekeeping… the LAST thing I wanted was for her to wake up and start zapping me THERE!

Aha! My lute, “El Kabong”! Perfect. I just pried the strings apart, and put her in the hole in the soundboard. Hey, it’s an indestructible Masterworks lute, she should be safe in there, right? In hindsight, I can now see that this was a less than wise decision.

Ok, now that Sprite was safely ensconced in her musical abode, it was time to look for the door. Across the room, I spied the faint glow of the Beneficent Tortoise, shimmering eerily above a wooden door like an ephemeral “Exit” sign. Awfully nice of an omnipotent goddess to spend her free time serving the same basic function as a roadsign. As I approached the door, paying my due respects to Her Majestic Tortoiseness by bowing low in obeisance and not giggling at the absurdity of it all, I applied my keen powers of observation and cool use of logic in noting that this was a classic wooden, strong, and locked door. This amazingly concise and accurate assessment was somewhat aided by the fact that the Tortoise shell was flashing the words “Classic Wooden, Strong, and Locked Door” in bright red letters.

Now, under normal circumstances (who am I kidding? There haven’t BEEN any “normal” circumstances since Oldiebutgoodie sent me down here!), Sprite would have unlocked the door. I pondered letting her do it again this time (by whacking the door with the lute), but decided that my deft and nimble fingers would be up to the task. Deftly and nimbly, my fingers loudly rattled the lock. A tremendous growl erupted from the other side of the door. Apparently, there was something there that wished to make my acquaintance, albeit in a rather brusque and physically damaging way.

I eventually felt the lock give way (more out of boredom on its part than anything else, I suspect). However, I was loathe to go rushing into a room where huge amounts of hostility were being prepared for my reception. I decided to change tactics. Realizing that I had not really used my newly-found Bardly Skills up to this point, I decided a soothing serenade might help to calm whatever savage beast lay in wait. Gently strumming my lute, I lifted my heavenly voice in angelic song, beautifully weaving a tapestry of auditory loveliness, warmly caressing a melodiously heartrending tune of true love…

“My bologna has a first name, it’s O.S.C.A.R….”

Against all possible odds, this seemed to work. The roaring on the other side of the door stopped. However, I wasn’t even to the denouement of the song, that impassioned part where I get to spell out “bologna”, when suddenly my lute started yelling at me.

“What the hell is going on out there! WASSA!! Help! Let me outta here, and stop that wailing!!!”

Oops. Forgot about Sprite. The song stopped. The monster snapped out of its reverie. The Sprite glowered through the strings. The door opened. I was doomed.

In front of me, with an evil hungry look in its eyes, was a gigantic Troll. Mercifully, it was still a mite mesmerized by my melodic musings, and didn’t immediately make mincemeat out of me. Without thinking (as usual), I took the weapon I already had in hand, my lute, and swung wildly at the enormous creature. From somewhere deep within the murky depths of the instrument, as I was starting to swing, I heard a faint “Nooooooooooo…..” There was no doubt in my mind that if I survived the encounter with the Troll, there was gonna be some nasty Zapping in my future.

“KABOOOOOONG”! With a crash (in B-flat minor), El Kabong smote the mighty beast. Well, dented would be more accurate. He seemed to stagger a bit under the attack, but also seemed to somehow regenerate at least partly from the damage. This is unfortunately more than could be said of the Sprite, who clung to the lute strings from the inside like a tiny little felon in an old-west jail, with (I swear) little stars and birdies circling around her dizzied head. (Mixing metaphors is a Bard’s prerogative.)

I took the opportunity to practice my Monty Python skills – and RUN AWAY! While putting as much distance between myself and the Troll as possible, I slung my lute (slung as in slung over my back, not as in throwing it as far as I could – though with an increasingly pissed-of Sprite inside, that might have been the better option) and pulled out the only weapon I had that could work at a distance – my Pen.

I pointed the pointy end at the Troll, and pushed the little buttony thing (is it just me, or do words like “pointy” and “buttony” seem rather silly when dealing with a huge man-crushing Bull Troll?). The pen unleashed a furor of Trolly damage, hitting with full force, and even stunning the giant for a few moments. Realizing I probably wouldn’t get this advantage again, I unsheathed my idiotic sword, Sayvmahass, totally against its will, and attacked the Troll. On the first swing with the talking sword, I was distracted by the whimpering shrieks of sheer cowardice. I am going with the story that it was the sword doing the whimpering, since Sprite couldn’t see to contradict me. The distraction made me miss; however the second swing caught the sheer mound of brutal terror on the arm.

I staggered back, not willing to turn my back on the now even-more-enraged creature (as if that were possible), all the while listening to the random twanging of my lute strings as Sprite tried unsuccessfully to extricate herself from her erstwhile prison. Unfortunately, the Troll could run faster than I could stagger, and before I knew it he was upon me. I barely had time to register an appropriately astonished expression on my face when the monster slashed me across the head with his massive claws. Thank goodness I had on my sporty green AQ Premium Member hat (with jaunty feather) for protection. Although, it didn’t really help that much, so once I get out of this Dungeon, I may want to have a word with Ryan about perhaps choosing something more metallic in the future.

This is about where things got a little fuzzy for me. All I really remember is he hit me so hard I spun around, although the lute that was slung over my back stayed still, and thus ended up across my chest (I hope this conjured up the appropriate cartoony image). I looked down, and my unfocused eyes caught a glimpse of Sprite shaking a tiny little fist at me… I wasn’t seeing so good right then, so I couldn’t tell if there was a finger extended from the fist or not. I somehow reached down and spread the strings far enough apart that she could daintily whoosh out of there and into my face, yelling "Are you out of your MIND!!! Have you any idea how LOUD that is in there? I coulda been KILLED! Uh… Wassa?” (looking over my shoulder) “Are you aware there is a very large and very angry Troll behind you?”

Sprite then flew up to the Troll, screaming “Leave wassa ALONE! I am TRYING to yell at him ya big oaf!” and with that she let loose with her elven sword of fiery thinbladedness. Ok, so I don’t exactly have the terminology down quite yet, but it DID take a chunk of the troll’s scalp off. Her other blade got a pretty good whack in, as well. I was just turning around when I saw the Troll take a swipe at Sprite, fortunately (?) missing her. Although exhausted and confused (so what ELSE is new?), I raised Sayvmahass, when suddenly… the darn sword started SHRIEKING like a little girl. A little girl with enormous lungs. While the Troll stared at me with a look of both confusion and derision (confision?), Sprite got off another whack with her blade. By this time the hits had taken a troll on him (troll… toll… that was kinda like a pun), and all it took was one more good slice from the now panting Sayvmahass to put him down for good.

Sprite: (yelling at the top of her lungs) YOU DID A GREAT JOB! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KEPT ME IN THAT LUTE, THOUGH!
wassamatta_u: ummm, Sprite? I'm right here, you don’t need to YELL
Sprite: I'M NOT YELLING! AM I?
wassamatta_u: uhhhhh, no, no.. not at all.... (she goes to 11...)
Sprite: FUNNY, 'CAUSE MY THROAT HURTS!
wassamatta_u: Your throat, my ears.
Sprite: WHAT?
wassamatta_u: ummm.... YOUR THROAT MY DEAR!
Sprite: IS YOUR LUTE STILL PLAYING? I GOT THIS HUMMING IN MY EARS!!!
wassamatta_u: so you REALLY can't hear me when I am whispering like this? So I could say ANYTHING, and you wouldn’t hear it????
Sprite: YOUR LIPS ARE MOVING, BUT YOU'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING...!
wassamatta_u: as long as I whisper it and smile... hehehee
Sprite: HUH?
wassamatta_u: Sprite, dear dear Sprite, one of these days if you keep zapping me I am gonna sneak up on you when you are asleep with a can of Raid.... you can’t hear that, can you?
Sprite: YEAH, WE DID GREAT ON THAT RAID!
wassamatta_u: uh.. YES, YES WE DID!!!
Sprite: WHAT KINDA TREASURE WE GOT!
wassamatta_u: THERE’S A CHEST HERE WITH 6000 gp!
Sprite: NICE HAUL!
wassamatta_u: (quietly) But MOSTLY.. I got to talk back to Sprite without getting zapped!!!! that is worth BUCKS to me!
Sprite: (hears a pop in her ears and wiggles a finger around in one) WHAT? I mean, what? Wow, have I been talking that loud this whole time???
wassamatta_u: ummmm.. no, no, not at all
Sprite: Man, it sure FEELS like it! My throat feels like I've been screaming...stupid lute. (suddenly puts two and two together) Stupid YOU! You PUT me in there and SWUNG at the TROLL!!!
wassamatta_u: Me???
Sprite: (flutters up to hover in his face) You!
wassamatta_u: No, no. no.... well, yes. But.. I HAD to! Where ELSE could I put you??? Tights, remember? I guess I COULDA...
Sprite: Eww, no!
wassamatta_u: (ducking, waiting for inevitable zappppp)
Sprite: (glaring at him, then realizes he’s bleeding) Umm...you probably shouldn't bleed like that from the head.
wassamatta_u: where SHOULD I bleed like that from... (slowly sinks to ground)
Sprite: Wassa?
wassamatta_u: (quietly) I think I'm gonna take a little nap....

<fin>

(sighs) Y'know, if he keeps this up, I'm gonna have to fight all this stuff alone, which was NOT mentioned in the brochure. Heck, you can get very seriously killed to death, what with all the random bashing instruments going about in untrained hands....!

250 for the WHOPPING (lies) post and 1500 for the Monster That Nearly Ate Wassa. ;-)

*clapping hands*, *bouncing up and down in seat with excitement*

What more can I say - ROFLMAO!

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Thank goodness I had on my sporty green AQ Premium Member hat (with jaunty feather) for protection. Although, it didn’t really help that much, so once I get out of this Dungeon, I may want to have a word with Ryan about perhaps choosing something more metallic in the future.

More ROFLMAO - Oh dear, now I have a stitch in my side.

Ryan I hope you are listening in on all this, you really should be following, it is hilarious (and unique).

** EXIT **