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I reached for the door, opened it a crack, and peeked into the next room…

At first, my eyes could not focus on what I was seeing. It was as if there were several quasi-amorphous people parts hovering languidly two or three feet off the floor, halfway across the large room. Then it struck me – well not literally, at least not yet, but in a figurative sense – that they weren’t so much hovering as… suspended. In a huge globule of… gelatin? Sprite, hovering over my shoulder, shook her head and said “I was hoping we wouldn’t run into one of these down here!”

I should have known better by now. I really should have. But I said it anyway.

“Well, Sprite, you know what they say… There’s Always a Room for Jello!”

ZZZZAP!

“Ouch! Ok, what is that thing?”
“It’s called a Gelatinous Cube. It’s like a transparent ooze of mindless, gelatinous matter in the shape of a cube.”
“Transparent, huh? Glad you cleared THAT up. OUCH!”
“It’s not funny, wassa… that thing is acidic, and if it touches you, it can suck you in and paralyze you and burn you and digest you.”
“So that stuff in the middle of it is…”
“Right, wassa… a Previous Adventurer.”
“Ewwwww… although it does look like some of the Jello desserts my mom makes at holidays. She puts the strangest things into her Jello – I kid you not – cheese, and pretzels, and sour cream, and sometimes even lunchmeats… dessert to her is just another way of using leftovers. And guess what? One time, instead of water, she even made Jello using Sprite!”

ZZZAP!

“Wassa, did you forget your medication this morning? THIS IS SERIOUS!”
“Ok, ok. Look, there’s only one way to deal with a really big Jello, and that’s with a really big spoon! The closest I have is this lute thing, ‘El-Kabong’… you got my back, Sprite? ‘Cause I’m going in!”
“Going in the room, wassa, or going in the Gelatin?”
I rushed into the room, brandishing my lute. Note that on any OTHER board, that last sentence would automatically qualify for the “things that sound dirtier than they are” category. Exerting every ounce of power I could muster (mustard… my mom put mustard in a Jello once), and raising El Kabong (raisins too), I gave America’s Favorite Dessert a topping it would never forget. Well, that was my intention at least. But due, I am sure, to the slippery ooziness all around this gooey beast, I faltered juuust a tad, and the ensuing lute-slap did little more than make it jiggle in a jaunty sort of way. But I was undaunted.
“Didya see that, Sprite?” I called out, “I hit it!”
“Great, wassa. You must be so proud, hitting at close range something roughly the same size and shape as the side of a barn… next time, DO SOME DAMAGE… like THIS!”
And Sprite went to work. I am SURE I must have softened it up for her, because when she struck it with some sort of fiery blade, the Gelatin let out a mighty quiver. I know this for a fact. How? Well, it turns out that when I El Kasplatted, my lute sorta, ummm, stuck to the cube. Not having much experience with giant goo-monsters, I attempted to free the weapon, naturally enough, by putting my foot up against the side and pushing for leverage. This would certainly have worked if what I put my foot against was something solid. So, when Sprite hit, I could feel the Jello-Monster quivering because I was pretty much half-engulfed by it at the time.

Sprite had been right… these monsters WERE acidic… I could feel my skin starting to burn almost immediately, a sensation much the same as if I had been exposed to a virulent patch of Poison Ivy while looking for a Letterbox (Ha! I knew I could put a Letterbox reference in here…). I knew it wouldn’t be long before I became a giant Bard-mallow in a Jello Surprise if I didn’t act quickly. In this particular instance, “acting quickly” consisted of watching Sprite take a second swipe at the gloop with Frosty the Snow Blade. This time, while America’s Favorite Dessert quivered mightily, I managed to extricate myself from its boogery grasp.

Sprite seemed impressed.
“Wassa, how did you get out of that thing? “
“I took my Prilosec this morning. You know, it is great for Acid Reflex!”

ZZZZAP!

“Ok, ok! I get the point! Speaking of points, forget this El Kabonging, time for something pointier!”
“That’s using your head, wassa!”
I unsheathed Sayvmahass, my Semi-Sentient Sword of Snivelling, and prepared to face once again the marrow beast.
“What??? Are you crazy, wassa? Get back and use your Range Weapon! Do you hear me???”
But it was too late, the Jello was upon me. Heaving mightily, I swung the great sword (I will leave it as an exercise for the reader to figure out exactly what I mean by that). With nary a word, Sayvmahass took a huge chunk of dessert out of the bowl. And the second swing delivered a much-needed critical hit, sending bite-size Jigglers splaying across the length of the room.

The Gelatinous Cube was on its last legs. Well, you know what I mean. Unfortunately, however, it still had a bit of fight left in it, and was about to once more unceremoniously engulf me, when suddenly, a Bright Light, a loud (and eerily familiar) ZAP, and the Cube quivered for its last time.

“You okay, wassa?”
“Yeah. Hey, did you know that according to Wikipedia, it is impossible to freeze Jello?”
“Really?” said Sprite, fluttering closer to me and looking quite fascinated by my knowledge, “You know, that's really interesting because ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND???”
(zapping me around the room…)
“You NEVER (zap!) EVER (zap!) get close up (zap!) on EVIL JELLO! (zap, zap BZZZAP!) There is ALWAYS more room for YOU in JELLO! Are you even LISTENING to me????”
“Huh? Wha? I can’t hear ANYTHING over all that zapping!”

Now, you the reader may recall that in a previous post, I had said I would save Sprite’s life in the course of this battle. Here it comes…

Having used up the last of her precious reserve of magic in one raging, zapping swoop at me, Sprite suddenly felt woozy, and fainted in midair. And before she hit the ground, I CAUGHT her! SEE? I TOTALLY saved her. She coulda had a nasty bruise if it wasn’t for my quick thinking and dexterous dexterity! So there! Who’s the hero NOW?

So, here I sit, with a fainted Sprite amid a quickly deteriorating mound of dessert, wondering what other strange things the future holds for me…

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and fainted in midair. And before she hit the ground, I CAUGHT her! SEE? I TOTALLY saved her.

Oh well done Wassa, a Swooning Sprite, how romantic. Err.....Wassa.....you have noticed The Highlander behind you, in a jealous rage, haven't you?

Hope you survive for the next door!

*The Shimmering Tortoise*

I think you should get extra points for catching her!
-enchantress

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“Fairy??? Did you just call me a fairy??? Fairies are snotty stuck up toadies... Sprites are the HARDWORKING stewards of the natural world. And pixies just SUCK.”

HEY I RESENT THAT! I RESEMBLE A FAERIE THANK YOU VERY MUCH....but i do agree with the whole pixie thing, stupid little inconsiderate.....

faery (formerly known as kitten) without mittens

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HEY I RESENT THAT! I RESEMBLE A FAERIE THANK YOU VERY MUCH....

Hey, take it up with Sprite! I am merely a humble chronicler, accurately relaying what SHE said verbatim (as far as you know).

ZZZZZZAP!

Oww!

-wassamatta_u, The Blistered Bard

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you have noticed The Highlander behind you, in a jealous rage, haven't you?

Or in a GELATINOUS rage... :-)

The H (& S)

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I think you should get extra points for catching her!

Awww, you think ANYBODY that catches sprites should get more points! :-P

The (already been caught by you ENOUGH) Sprite & the (only had to catch her ONCE!) Highlander

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HEY I RESENT THAT! I RESEMBLE A FAERIE THANK YOU VERY MUCH....but i do agree with the whole pixie thing, stupid little inconsiderate.....

So...you kinda RESEMBLE that remark, then? (innocent smile)

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Hey, take it up with Sprite! I am merely a humble chronicler, accurately relaying what SHE said verbatim (as far as you know).

Okay, is NO ONE seeing the obvious misconception of the word verbatim here? See, verbatim would mean NOT lying through your teeth, or having an overdeveloped sense of self wrapped in a layer of gelatinous ACID! (rolls her eyes)

Man, remind me when I wake up to smack a little Wassa! :-P

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Or in a GELATINOUS rage... :-)

Ha, ha, ha. I wish I had thought of that one!

TST