"Sprite? You there?"

The eerie silence did not bode well, it boded ill. And nobody likes a sick bode.

I was still a little woozy from the near-death experience with the last whatchamacallit monster thingy. Ok, maybe it wasn't quite "near-death", but let's face it, the most I usually have to deal with on a day-to-day basis is the imminent threat of a really nasty paper cut. And here I was fighting actual monsters! And getting hurt in the process! It was enough to make a programmer-cum-adventurer want to go back to twiddling bits. (Yeah, I know, add THAT to Sprite's "things you say in a dungeon that aren't as dirty as they sound.")

"Sprite! Where'd you go? It's awfully quiet in here. Other than this whining sword, of course. And this lute that keeps playing 'Lady of Spain' by itself. And that incessant knocking noise." Oops. That was my knees.

"Over here, wassa!" Whew, she hadn't left me. Not that I really NEEDED her, mind you; I did pretty good for my first encounter. But still, it was nice to have someone with a little experience around, if only to tell you how wonderfully you did.

"You sucked" she said. "I don't know what you are going to do if you come up against something REALLY nasty."

"Gee, thanks. Glad you have my back, Sprite." Sarcasm dripped off my tongue like... ewwwww... sorry, bad mental image there of stuff dripping off my tongue.

"Wassa, there's a door over here on the other side of the room. C'mon! Let's get this over with."
I trundled over to the door, in a very sneaky, quiet, trundly way. It seemed like a regular old wooden door to me. Sprite wasn't convinced, though. She wanted to make sure it wasn't booby-trapped first. She buzzed around the door, up and down, back and forth, looking for I know not what. Eventually, she deemed it a "safe" door, and told me to very quietly grab the knob and turn. At this point, I told her my well thought out strategy:

"Sprite, I'm going to open the door very quickly, throw you into the room, then shut the door. When the noise stops, I'll peek in."

Sprite did not appreciate the humor of the plan. She indicated this by pulling a handful of hair out of my head. Thank goodness her hands are very small, 'cause there isn't much to spare up there. Ok, for real now, I'll throw open the door and.. what? What should I do?

"You have a range weapon." she calmly said, "use it."

Range weapon? Huh? All I could conjure in my mind was something along the lines of a "+4 Stove of Scalding Spaghetti", but I knew that wasn't what she meant. I hoped. Oh, wait, that must mean something that can be used from far away, like... my Pen! That's it, I'll use my Pen! (shutup, Sayvmahass, it IS mightier than you). I drew my Pen (which is a complete turnaround from the norm), and silently uttering the time-honored Battle Cry of "Mommmmyyyyy!", threw the door open and rushed into the room.

*To Be Continued...*

ooo, how exciting....especially the battle cry, love it!

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I drew my Pen (which is a complete turnaround from the norm), and silently uttering the time-honored Battle Cry of "Mommmmyyyyy!", threw the door open and rushed into the room.

Let's pause here for a moment, shall we, and take a closer look at that last sentence. "I drew my Pen..." Is it just me, or does this strike anyone else as being a bit peculiar, even in these most unusual circumstances? I mean, a PEN? We're in a DUNGEON here, with MONSTERS trying to KILL me, and I pull out as my weapon of choice a Pen. Is this a common weapon in this world? I can only surmise NO. I've been to Hobby Shops, and seen the display cases of little miniature heroes and monsters and weapons... not ONCE have I seen a diminutive little hand-painted cast pewter Pen in there. And those "Banner Ads" on the top of some websites (like whatpulse), that advertise "Weapon Replicas". You see all sorts of Katana Swords and Ninja Stars and Inigo Rapiers, but never Pens. So how exactly am I supposed to USE this Pen? Oilofolay gave it to me but never actually TOLD me how to use it. But, Sprite said to use the Pen instead of the Sword, and so, here we go.

Running into the room, I see...a... thing. Dang! I shoulda payed more attention to the aforementioned display cases... what IS this? It's a big round ball-like thing, with rows of sharp teeth, nasty looking tentacles, and, worst of all, STINKS worse than an overflowing Forest Service Porta-Potty. It seems to be covered in festering oozing slime and feces. I can tell I have surprised it, by the fact that it hasn't actually killed me yet, and so I wield my Pen and... ummm... wield it... and... uhhh... SPRITE!!!! Help!

"Wassa, didn't you ever see 'Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade', where Sean Connery uses a fountain pen to squirt ink into that Nazi soldier's eyes? He pushed the little button on the side! Try that!" This was apparently a rather slow and dim-witted monster, because we still had the drop on it even after that needlessly long-winded explanation.

I pushed the little button.

Immediately the Pen emitted a loud grumbly gurgly spluttering sound, much like the sound of explosive flatulence from a corn-fed Shetland Pony (don't ask how I know this). "Gross, but what good does THAT do?" I asked the Sprite.

"The Pen just issued the most virulent, caustic, bone-wrenching insult imaginable to the monster in its native tongue. No being can face its vitriolic onslaught unscathed!" she said.

"How do you know that, Sprite?"

"Says so right here in the User's Manual, page 7..."

The monster stumbled back a step, and quickly tried to cover its ear-globules with its tentacles. Unfortunately (for it), the tentacles had several sharp spikes sticking out of them, and the monster effectively skewered itself in the temples, causing a serious amount of damage, and effectively stunning the beast, at least temporarily.

Whoa... the Pen really IS mightier than the sword! OUCH! Sayvmahass, stop slapping me!

It Looked like I might get another swipe at the big glob. Now that victory was nearly assured, my cowardly cutlass reared its craven hilt from the scabbard. Fine. You're fast, when you need to be, so maybe we can get this whole thing over with quickly (which is, of course, what the readers are begging for). Putting the Pen back in its stylish white plastic protector in my breast pocket (did I mention I am a programmer?), I pulled forth Sayvmahass, the Scared Sabre, and snicker-snack! snicker-snack! Two good hits, and the blob was nearly dead. I sheathed the sword, and turned toward Sprite...

"Wassa! Look out, you idiot! NEARLY dead isn't ALL dead!" I scarcely heard her as a giant tentacle swooshed past my head, barely missing me. Imagine my shock as a second tentacle also improbably missed me by mere inches. That made for a total of twentytacles, all aimed at crushing the life out of an innocent bard. I was dumbfounded (or at least half of that).

"Stand back, you pompous fool!" Sprite cried, in a sufficiently anachronistic manner as to fit in perfectly with the surroundings. I was more than happy to oblige.

So the Sprite attacked it. She used some sort of bluish-light thingie coming from her fingertips... I think it was the magical equivalent of shuffling your slippers along a shag carpet, only more deadly. Three little balls of light flew from her fingers, and fried that old bag o' poo into a quivering, smoldering blob. Which is kinda what it started out as, anyway.

"Let me finish this, Sprite!" I said in my most masculine voice (the one that sounds like a Monster Truck Rally commercial). I started slashing at the supine monstrosity, unleashing the unbounded fury of Sayvmahass upon its purulent hide.

"Ummm... wassa... it's already dead, ya know. All you are doing is putting more funk in the air. Who ya trying to punish, here?"

Apparently, anyone reading this.

There was a treasure in the corner of the room. I won't say what, for fear of giving away secrets to those who may come after us (which is pretty much what all the monsters are doing, coming after us!). Suffice it to say that this treasure will be immeasurably treasured with pleasure. Not that this makes a lot of sense, but I like the way it sounds.

So, the score so far: wassamatta_u 2, monsters 0. Oh, yeah, Sprite... she gets, ummm... honorable mention? OUCH!!!!

-wassamatta_u, The Blathering Bard

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"Let me finish this, Sprite!" I said in my most masculine voice (the one that sounds like a Monster Truck Rally commercial).

Okay, I just HAD to do this....

This Sunday (SUNDAY, SUNDAY)!!!

We're turning Goldie Oldie's dungeon into a GIANT MUD PIT(PIT, PIT, PIT)!!!

All the monsters you wanna see, like XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX and the death defying XXXXXX (X, X)!!!

See Wassamatta U slicing poo into POO BITS, then see HIM get sliced into ALPHA BITS (BITS, bits!)

The only way you better miss this is if you're in prison and if you're in prison, BREAK OUT (OUT, out)!

That's this Sunday (SUNDAY, SUNDAY) at the D & D boards, just off the Hobbies board in CATEGORIES! BE THERE!!!

You GOTTA listen to this "monster" ad I found while trying to come up with the right words for my last post! LOL

http://www.bradbrad.com/mt.mp3

That is such a hoot! I remember those ads -- I can hear the whole thing in my head! (Yes, I hear things....)
;-)
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