Read Thread: Pimp My Wassa Part II
Re: Pimp My Wassa Part II
Board: Dungeons and Dragons
Reply to: #70868 by Sprite and Highlander
Feb 11, 2007 12:14am
Let's see... where were we? Oh yes...
Right. It was only a wooden door; nothing steel or stone or really hard like Jeanine Herzog's heart in 10th Grade when she wouldn't even go out with me to the Spring Dance just because I was a teeny tiny bit geeky, and just what was I supposed to do with that Leisure Suit I got for the dance that I paid for out of my own pocket with money I earned working weekends at "Popcorn Booth #2" at Frontier Village Amusement Park, the Fastest Fun in the West... ummm... door... right...
I took a few steps back to get a running start, and with all my mighty might, threw my shoulder against the old wooden door. Naturally, it crumpled immediately and fell to the floor. My shoulder, that is- the door didn't budge. I let out a manly wail of excruciating owie-ness, picked myself up off the floor, and was about to try again, when Sayvmahass, my semi-sentient sword, said "Try the KNOB, doofus!" Oops. Well, whatever beastie lay beyond that door knew I was coming, so might as well get this over with. I turned the knob (I am SURE my mighty blow must have loosened it), and holding Sayvmahass aloft, entered.
What the heck IS that thing!!! Kind of a horsey-looking thing with a nasty beak, big ol' wings, and lion claws? Oh, jeez... this can't be for REAL, can it? This is a... a... and a voice from above said "A Hippogriff." What the...? Oh, yeah, I was holding Sayvmahass aloft. Sheesh, I thought I was REALLY getting "help from above" for a moment there, like maybe from that Oldiladyhoo guy that put in this predicament... HEY! OLDILADYHOO, IF YOU'RE LISTENING, SEND ME SOME REAL HELP, NOT JUST THIS SPORK-WANNABE SAYVMAHASS! Uh oh, that thing is coming this way... fast! Aaaaugh!
Without thinking (which, truth be told, is how I do MOST of my work), I swung the sword in the general direction of the charging Hippogriff. Luck (in the form of a +7 Attack Bonus, whatever the heck THAT is) was with me, and I struck the beast straight on its... well, I'm not so good with Hippogriff Anatomy, so let's just say I hit it. But being the quick and spritely Bard that I am... Ok, ok, Sayvmahass, it isn't ME that was quick, fine, it was YOU that got a second attack on the Hippogriff. It reeled, I wheeled, I weilded, and it shielded. In other words... swing and a miss.
Then reality sunk in. I'm just a freakin' programmer, for gosh sakes, what am I DOING here? I stood there, frozen, unable to move, unable to fully comprehend the death that imminently awaited me... when suddenly, out of nowhere, I swear, I heard:
"Run, Fore...I mean, Wassa, RUN!!!"
Sounded like good advice (finally!), and I took it. I ran to the far end of the room, with the monster hot on my heels. A little too hot, as I felt a sudden burst of pain on my left arm - dang, why couldn't it attack the sentient sword, instead of the blathering bard? Then that voice again... it wasn't Sayvmahass's whiney metalic drone, but a FEMALE voice, saying "When you get an extra movement, wassa, DON'T use it in your PANTS!" And suddenly it dawned on me who was talking to me... The Sprite! "You might want to hit it some more... a LOT more!" And again, I found this to be good advice. I swung Sayvmahass, but my pain must have kept me from doing it right, because I slapped the monster with the side of the sword, not the pointy/sharp part, and it didn't really do much. Ok, well, actually it DID help a little, because the feebleness of the attempt made the Hippogriff do what seemed to be a very Hippogriffy laugh, and distracted him just enough for me to get another swing in. THIS time, he got the point. Get it? Got the POINT? I am sure I am the first D&D player to ever have used that pun.
I saw a small flickering shiny blue thingy bouncing up and down in the air, obviously agitated and somewhat impatient. This must be The Sprite. "Hey, Sprite, I want a word with you..." I followed her a little ways, and realized... uh-oh... I was distracted by a shiny thing, and this darn monster took advantage of it. YOW!!! Dang, what is this, The Merchant of Venice? He musta taken a pound of flesh off my chest, not to mention a few ounces of manly chest hair (surgically implanted from hair grafts from my back).
"Hey, it's not a good idea to let it touch you like that... it HURTS!" said the feminine voice. I was starting to think maybe conversations with Sayvmahass weren't so bad after all... "Oh, you better swing again!" she continued. Ok, ok, her banter was a little demeaning, but her advice was good. One more swing, with all my might... hit! And down went the Hippogriff, in a flurry of feathers and fur, Sayvmahass sticking into its chest.
It was all too much, and I started to collapse to the floor. Which makes perfect sense, really... I mean, how often do you collapse to the ceiling? Wait, in THIS world, better not to ask that. Anyway, as I stated down, I saw a glint of something shiny. "Ooooh," I thought, "Shiny!" and scooped it up before sprawling on the ground.
The Sprite, hovering over me, saw me grab something, but she couldn't see what it was before I instinctively shoved it into my pocket. Well, to be honest, I am a Bard, and am wearing Bard clothing, which means "tights"... so I more like shoved it into my tights. "Hey, what was that? Lemme see!" squeaked the Sprite, until she saw where I put it. "Ewwww... never mind, you can KEEP it now!" Seeing as I was laying on the floor bleeding profusely from several gaping yet macho wounds, the Sprite used some sort of Spritely magicy stuff to heal me... sort of the otherworldly equivalent of Mommy Kisses, only without the kissing part because I have SEEN the Highlander and his Karate Kat moves, and I do NOT want to tangle with THAT... so, forget I said anything about Mommy Kisses, especially if you are Highlander; it was probably Neosporin.
And so, my first conquest. THE HIPPOGRIFF, HIGHLANDER... I see I have a lot to learn, this Dungeon stuff can be kinda tricky if you aren't paying att... HEY! Another shiny thing!...
-wassamatta_u
Right. It was only a wooden door; nothing steel or stone or really hard like Jeanine Herzog's heart in 10th Grade when she wouldn't even go out with me to the Spring Dance just because I was a teeny tiny bit geeky, and just what was I supposed to do with that Leisure Suit I got for the dance that I paid for out of my own pocket with money I earned working weekends at "Popcorn Booth #2" at Frontier Village Amusement Park, the Fastest Fun in the West... ummm... door... right...
I took a few steps back to get a running start, and with all my mighty might, threw my shoulder against the old wooden door. Naturally, it crumpled immediately and fell to the floor. My shoulder, that is- the door didn't budge. I let out a manly wail of excruciating owie-ness, picked myself up off the floor, and was about to try again, when Sayvmahass, my semi-sentient sword, said "Try the KNOB, doofus!" Oops. Well, whatever beastie lay beyond that door knew I was coming, so might as well get this over with. I turned the knob (I am SURE my mighty blow must have loosened it), and holding Sayvmahass aloft, entered.
What the heck IS that thing!!! Kind of a horsey-looking thing with a nasty beak, big ol' wings, and lion claws? Oh, jeez... this can't be for REAL, can it? This is a... a... and a voice from above said "A Hippogriff." What the...? Oh, yeah, I was holding Sayvmahass aloft. Sheesh, I thought I was REALLY getting "help from above" for a moment there, like maybe from that Oldiladyhoo guy that put in this predicament... HEY! OLDILADYHOO, IF YOU'RE LISTENING, SEND ME SOME REAL HELP, NOT JUST THIS SPORK-WANNABE SAYVMAHASS! Uh oh, that thing is coming this way... fast! Aaaaugh!
Without thinking (which, truth be told, is how I do MOST of my work), I swung the sword in the general direction of the charging Hippogriff. Luck (in the form of a +7 Attack Bonus, whatever the heck THAT is) was with me, and I struck the beast straight on its... well, I'm not so good with Hippogriff Anatomy, so let's just say I hit it. But being the quick and spritely Bard that I am... Ok, ok, Sayvmahass, it isn't ME that was quick, fine, it was YOU that got a second attack on the Hippogriff. It reeled, I wheeled, I weilded, and it shielded. In other words... swing and a miss.
Then reality sunk in. I'm just a freakin' programmer, for gosh sakes, what am I DOING here? I stood there, frozen, unable to move, unable to fully comprehend the death that imminently awaited me... when suddenly, out of nowhere, I swear, I heard:
"Run, Fore...I mean, Wassa, RUN!!!"
Sounded like good advice (finally!), and I took it. I ran to the far end of the room, with the monster hot on my heels. A little too hot, as I felt a sudden burst of pain on my left arm - dang, why couldn't it attack the sentient sword, instead of the blathering bard? Then that voice again... it wasn't Sayvmahass's whiney metalic drone, but a FEMALE voice, saying "When you get an extra movement, wassa, DON'T use it in your PANTS!" And suddenly it dawned on me who was talking to me... The Sprite! "You might want to hit it some more... a LOT more!" And again, I found this to be good advice. I swung Sayvmahass, but my pain must have kept me from doing it right, because I slapped the monster with the side of the sword, not the pointy/sharp part, and it didn't really do much. Ok, well, actually it DID help a little, because the feebleness of the attempt made the Hippogriff do what seemed to be a very Hippogriffy laugh, and distracted him just enough for me to get another swing in. THIS time, he got the point. Get it? Got the POINT? I am sure I am the first D&D player to ever have used that pun.
I saw a small flickering shiny blue thingy bouncing up and down in the air, obviously agitated and somewhat impatient. This must be The Sprite. "Hey, Sprite, I want a word with you..." I followed her a little ways, and realized... uh-oh... I was distracted by a shiny thing, and this darn monster took advantage of it. YOW!!! Dang, what is this, The Merchant of Venice? He musta taken a pound of flesh off my chest, not to mention a few ounces of manly chest hair (surgically implanted from hair grafts from my back).
"Hey, it's not a good idea to let it touch you like that... it HURTS!" said the feminine voice. I was starting to think maybe conversations with Sayvmahass weren't so bad after all... "Oh, you better swing again!" she continued. Ok, ok, her banter was a little demeaning, but her advice was good. One more swing, with all my might... hit! And down went the Hippogriff, in a flurry of feathers and fur, Sayvmahass sticking into its chest.
It was all too much, and I started to collapse to the floor. Which makes perfect sense, really... I mean, how often do you collapse to the ceiling? Wait, in THIS world, better not to ask that. Anyway, as I stated down, I saw a glint of something shiny. "Ooooh," I thought, "Shiny!" and scooped it up before sprawling on the ground.
The Sprite, hovering over me, saw me grab something, but she couldn't see what it was before I instinctively shoved it into my pocket. Well, to be honest, I am a Bard, and am wearing Bard clothing, which means "tights"... so I more like shoved it into my tights. "Hey, what was that? Lemme see!" squeaked the Sprite, until she saw where I put it. "Ewwww... never mind, you can KEEP it now!" Seeing as I was laying on the floor bleeding profusely from several gaping yet macho wounds, the Sprite used some sort of Spritely magicy stuff to heal me... sort of the otherworldly equivalent of Mommy Kisses, only without the kissing part because I have SEEN the Highlander and his Karate Kat moves, and I do NOT want to tangle with THAT... so, forget I said anything about Mommy Kisses, especially if you are Highlander; it was probably Neosporin.
And so, my first conquest. THE HIPPOGRIFF, HIGHLANDER... I see I have a lot to learn, this Dungeon stuff can be kinda tricky if you aren't paying att... HEY! Another shiny thing!...
-wassamatta_u
