Ok, a question for all of you parents and soon-parents-to-be out there.....

How did you know when it was time to start your families?

I've always thought that the right time would present itself, when we have enough money, or when life slows down, or when we have all our ducks in a row, but now I'm thinking that maybe it's not like that - that there's never a perfect time and you just make the best of it, when and if it happens.

What do you all think?

SunFleur
*thinking in Michigan*

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How did you know when it was time to start your families?

Well...you summed it up pretty nicely yourself. At least for us, there was no "right time"...if we waited for the 'right time', we'd probably be retired before it finally came around!

You make it, make do, learn to adjust, deal with it, get creative....you'll learn...lol. That's about my best answer. If you THINK you MIGHT be ready (and you're over the age of consent :-)), you probably are.

Good Luck.

Jenni P McD

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Ok, a question for all of you parents and soon-parents-to-be out there.....
How did you know when it was time to start your families?

It just happens when it happens. In our case & in our own opinions it couldn't have happened at a worse time (I won't go into specifics here--but it had to do with location at the time, environment, employment, job progression, etc) but then looking back it was all for the better. If you wait for all the 'right' things to be in place it'll never happen. For us, it was a total surprise but in the grand scheme of things, all according to One's plan which is way more perfect than any of our own intentions could ever be.

Also, kids aren't half as expensive as the media makes them out to be. Modern life has managed to convince most everyone that you HAVE to have things that in reality are just 'nice to haves'. Although we're capable of buying new clothes, toys, books, etc for our family, we've decided to live a frugal lifestyle (so we can save more money for travel & letterboxing) and most of the clothes and everyday items we use are purchased either at thrift stores or on discount. Check out movies/books from the library or netflix instead of going out to the theater--that'll save a bundle, too. Find sources of inexpensive or free entertainment--letterboxing is a great example of this. Other ways to save big money are breastfeed instead of formula, cloth diapers instead of disposable (there are some really convenient cloth diapers out there nowadays) and to make more meals from scratch instead of buying pre-packaged/processed foods/meals. Going that route's also much healthier, too. Imagine all the high fructose corn syrup you'll be missing out on when you make some stuff from scratch (cookies, cranbelly jelly, applesauce, you name it--HFCS is in it these days).

Hope this helps you tackle your decision so to speak... ;)

daelphinus

For us, (well, besides the fact that 30 was creeping up on me REALLY fast!), we knew we were ready when we "thought" we might be pregnant and were really sad when it turned out we weren't.

Ironically, we knew we were DONE when we "thought" we might be pregnant and it completely freaked us out! (we were relieved to find out we weren't, but if we had been I know it would have been a blessing!)

All you need is a good scare (just kidding)... and lots of prayer! I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.

Just be aware that the addition of kids has the potential to COMPLETELY change the relationship between the two of you ... and take steps to guard that. What those kids need is parents who really love and support each other, and put each other ahead of the kids. It sounds twisted, but in my observance, that is because our society has taught us that the kids should come first (especially for mom.) But, if your marriage crumbles, what good does that do? Just be proactive and keep it strong and vibrant!

Best wishes to you!
S of the PEAS (mother of E and A!)

First of all, as most others have said, you'll never have all your ducks in a row. There is nothing that can fully prepare you for having kids, and there is no instruction manual! It is very stressful but can also be a real joy. You won't get much sleep until about 5 years after the last child is born.

Your marriage needs to come first. Kids are great but are big stressers on marriage because your time and energy is now divided, and you will sometimes have differing opinions on childrearing. If your child has some kind of disorder, it will be extra stress. Ours just has ADHD, and years ago we had serious problems.

You won't have anywhere near the time and flexilibity that you do now. It's a major lifestyle adjustment and if either of you are workaholics, your family may suffer. Something I read that made a lot of sense to me (in terms of raising kids) was that the two of us were a family first, so we need to maintain our marriage and help our children to fit into it (vs. letting our entire life revolve around them).

If you are thinking that having kids will make you happier, you're not ready.
If you feel like you have extra love to give away and need someone to give it to, you might be ready!

And if all the negative stuff I just mentioned doesn't scare you away, you probably are ready!

Good luck!!!

I agree with everything said and wanted to add my $0.02.

You are ready when you are ready! Wierd, but getting prego gets you ready. You will have (by the time you find out you are...) about 7-8 months to read (sleep now or forever hold your peace!), plan, talk with other parents, make a space in your home, relax, get away for the last time pre-kids, and prepare.

I could not agree more with saving money on child stuff by BREASTFEEDING (and save at the Doctors as well), accepting hand-me-downs, and getting equipment and stuff from your local Freecycle!

Mother of 4,
Six Stars

I'm not a parent or even a soon to be parent, but I'm heading in that direction, slowly but surely. I agree with the scare idea, that's a decent guage. I've had that scare and while not been completely disappointed, I was a little bit sad. I've sat in bathrooms with friends and waited for the lines and cried with happiness AND disappointment with them.

I've heard it said time and time again to many people, including myself. If you wait for the right time, it'll never come.

My man and I have talked about it already, since we're buying our first house. I told him that we needed to get married soon and that once we do, I don't want to wait anymore for the babies. I know it'll be tough and money will be tight, but it's the love that matters (not to mention I'm not exactly a spring chicken). He agrees with me and when we went house hunting, we looked for a home that would accommodate a child, altho we know that if there's more we'll have to move, lol!!!!

I agree also with the point that you and your partner DO have to put each other first. I know my parents did and they are still together thru a lot of troubles and whatnot. I plan on it too.

Good luck and best wishes! moonduck

Speaking as someone who will become a first time parent in 14 days, 21 hours and 20 minutes (but who's counting). It happens when it happens, we weren't "ready" but we also kinda were ready. Then after adjusting to being pregnent we had to readjust to having TWINS! Naturally we are nervous but we are also thrilled. We know that there will be rough periods, but that stuff has a way of working out, plus we have a very strong support system with much of our families being close by.

The way we knew was when we just suddenly stopped trying to actively prevent it. We never really talked about that decision, it just happened naturally.

Good luck

The Cottontails

At the risk of starting an all out war....when it does come time to make your decision on breast or bottle feeding dont let anyone make you feel guilty if you choose to bottle feed. Yes breastfeeding is usually better, much cheaper. But for whatever reason you may not be able to do it, or choose not to. I could not breast feed either one of my babies and I have a wonderful bond with them and they are both healthy. People are so quick to think less of a person if they dont breast feed. Becuase I physically couldnt it meant that my husband got to share in the closeness of feeding our children. He enjoyed being able to provide nourishment for them at times too. And it gave others around me time that loved that special time as well.

It really bugs me when you get blasted for not breastfeeding, especially when people dont even know why you didnt. Some people even choose not to do it, and still have wonderful healthy babies and wonderful bonding experiences with them.

WOW Twins!!

Good luck to you all....keep us posted on everything!!

Yep, that's exactly how it was for us, too! We had decided to just sort of "let it happen", but it didn't take. I didn't realize just how bad I wanted it til I got the news that I wasn't preggers ! I had to leave work early that day, I was crying so bad!

And I agree with the whole relationship thing, S. We came REALLY close to not making it after our son was born. We hadn't realized just how things would change between the two of us. But, my daughter is what fixed it, weirdly enough. After her, we knew we were done. Or, I knew that I was done! Two was enough for me!

But, it's true...if you wait for "the right time" it will never come. You will always want to be a little MORE financially stable, a little FURTHER along in your career, etc.

And don't forget.....The more you try, and obsess about it, the longer it will take!

moonshowr~~ who likes to put in her two cents and then scoot

Ready! Ha! My kids are 6 & 9 and I'm still not ready.

Too much of a kid myself.

Take it from an ol'e grandpa, if you are waiting for all of your ducks to be in a row, just wait till you see what a kid can do to a row of ducks. You change your lifestyle; you change your living habits; you change your priorities; and the crazy thing is, you are @#%& glad to do it. Unless you have a fatal illness or your spouce is in prison, there is not a bad time to start a family. Financially, there is never a good time to start a family, but it's only money. Nothing you can buy with money will last forever. Your God, your family, your loyalty, the truth, these are the things that count. If your spouce is ready, you guys talk about it. You'd be surprised what a little talk can lead to.

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And I agree with the whole relationship thing, S. We came REALLY close to not making it after our son was born. We hadn't realized just how things would change between the two of us. But, my daughter is what fixed it, weirdly enough.

That's interesting. I would say, though, as someone already alluded to, please don't get pregnant just because you think it will make your relationship better! In general, most of the time it will have the opposite effect. And it's not that you are not trying so much as you are just blindsided by the reality of what you have just introduced into your lives (a tiring, wonderful, distracting, awesome, frustrating, delightfully precious blessing from God!).

Reality is that marriage takes a LOT of work and instead of easing that stress, kids make that work even harder. Interestingly, with both of ours we felt a several month respite in marital stress when each of the kids came, but then it all hit again. Looking back, I think it "seemed" better for a season because we were both busy and obsessed with baby so much that we kind of forgot about other stuff, but when the baby-tending began to diminish we realized that in the process we had basically ignored each other and each other's needs. And by then it was really hard to want to change that. By the grace of God, though, we have.

It is easier to keep growing in a relationship than to let it slip and try to regain ground. But, as we can testify, it is well worth the investment.

Blessings,
S of the PEAS

My daughter just turned 18. She wasn't exactly planned for, but we didn't take any preventative measures either. I guess the right time for us was upon us. I think if I waited for my ducks to be in a row, I'd still be waiting. I'm not sure if there is a "right" time that can be planned for. Many people go to extremes to become pregnant, and for others it's a different story. My own parents didn't have children for the first 9 years of their marriage. People would accuse my mother of "knowing" something, but that wasn't the case. It just wasn't happening for them. Then, lo and behold, after they figured they wouldn't be having children, she had four. We're spaced pretty far apart, thirteen years between the youngest and the oldest, but once again, not by choice, but by nature. If you think you're ready...in the famous words of Nike "Just Do It". And that's my 2¢.

FG

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when it does come time to make your decision on breast or bottle feeding dont let anyone make you feel guilty if you choose to bottle feed.

AMEN!!!

This is one of the most controversial and yet personal and private decisions to make as a new parent. And EVERYone will have an opinion, whether you ask or not. I've been on both sides of the coin - physically unable to with #1, but did with #2. Pros and cons to both methods, both boys are happy and healthy and smart.

Just remember, when the time comes, even if you feel like you don't have a clue about what you're doing as a parent (and most of us make it up as we go along andyway), you're still the one who knows your kid(s) best, so stick to your guns if you know it's best for them.

-AG

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How did you know when it was time to start your families?

We didn't know, we just guessed! :) Turns out it was a good time.

You will learn all sorts of interesting things about yourself and your partner. I used to think I was casual and go-with-the-flow. I have long since realized I can be pretty rigid and have to work hard at relaxing (as in relaxing rules, schedules, expectations) when need be.

Everyone (me included) will tell you that your life will never be the same. And it won't. But you cannot understand what that means until it happens. You just have to experience it in your own, unique way. :) Some people never miss a beat and can continue on with work, hobbies, etc and manage to fold the kids right into that. I wasn't able to do that very well, at least not in the beginning, and so I'm still trying to regain the parts of me that I've let drift for the past six+ years. I used to resent it, but now that those six+ years have flown by and I realize I'm already 1/3 of the way through this full-time parenting gig, I worry less about getting to do what I want and instead focus on making the next 12 years pretty cool for us as a family.

Just my 2¢....

-AG

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This is one of the most controversial and yet personal and private decisions to make as a new parent. And EVERYone will have an opinion, whether you ask or not. I've been on both sides of the coin - physically unable to with #1, but did with #2. Pros and cons to both methods, both boys are happy and healthy and smart.

How true, how true! I had the same experiences with #s 1 and 2 as you, AG. And you're right ... everyone will have an opinion even if you don't ask for it - opinions on both sides, so no matter what you choose, someone won't agree with you.

What I will say, though, is that if you do decide to try, be prepared for it to hurt more than you think - at first. No one prepared me. Everyone I knew had adjusted just fine (or so I thought!) Wow, was I shocked. It was a real struggle ... feeling like this was the way nature/God intended, and so why wasn't it working and why was it so hard and painful? (It didn't really help that I was post-partum anyway! I cried a lot, and I really wasn't depressed!) Good news is, though, if you persevere it should get better. (After six weeks of torture with #1 I quit, but with #2, it only took a few days.) Every person is different, every baby is different, and I learned a thing or two between #s 1 and 2 that helped, I believe, the second time around, so if you eventually decide you might want to try and would like more info, feel free to e-mail me through AQ. (I doubt the general letterboxing population would be interested in the details ..... har har!)

Again, blessings,
S of the PEAS
Above all, it's your decision so stick to your guns with whatever you decide!

Back to the original question....you may never know when its time...but when it happens, its time and its something that you wont regret. Everyday something new and wonderful happens to make the rough times get forgotten. I can not carry a tune....not even if it had a handle....but to hear my almost 5 year old ask me to sing her the "close your eyes" song (Everything's Allright from Jesus Christ Superstar) while rubbing her back to go to sleep.......

That makes it worth it all....

:-)

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Speaking as someone who will become a first time parent in 14 days, 21 hours and 20 minutes (but who's counting).

WOW! Congratulations! You will have to keep us posted on the arrival of your two new little bunnies, Mr. Cottontail! (Are you expecting boys, girls, or both?) How exciting! Hope your wife is getting as much rest as possible in these last few weeks:-)

~HP~

One of each, we get the job done!

Mrs. Cottontails ONLY rests these days, and also catches up on scrapbooking, carving, and making birth announcements/Christmas cards etc...


The Cottontails

Decide what you want, it's really not up to you. No, seriously. It's not a personal slam, just a frustrating fact.

I was a dedicated nursing mother. Kid #3 nursed until he was 3 and a half. FOURTH kid, damn her anyhow, decided after 2 weeks that she wasn't the least bit inclined to nurse. Expressing into bottles didn't help. Nor did wrist-warm bottles of formula interest her. Nearing the benchmark of lost weight for IV intervention, we desperately tried ice-cold formula.

Would ya believe?

I don't think I'll EVER forgive her for rejecting the breast. It was rather a lousy start to the whole anticipated mother/daughter relationship. I love her dearly, but she really needs to recognize where the seat of power is :)

Insanely, kid #2 refused all attempts at expressed milk, formula, juice, water, whatEVER would flow through a bottle nipple. Nothing would do but Mama for the first four months of his life. I was never so grateful for a kid to grow teeth!

AAWWWW!!!! Congratulations!!!! Keep us posted!!!

moonshowr

Also, remember neither one are mutually exclusive. With all respect and appreciation for both formula and breastmilk. I breastfed exclusively until 3th month, when I felt that i would supplement that with formula and I could tell that James was getting what he needed with both. My first month and a half was sheer frustration until a very wise woman told me that i needed to increase my liquid intake.. milk just doesnt make itself out of thin air.. your body needs lots of nutrients and liquids!

At the fourth month, I added a wonderful formula. At the time the DHA and RNA Lipil formulas were somewhat new, and I read everything I could get my eyes on about formulas. I felt very comfortable giving him the Lipil and feel it along with the breast milk has kept him very healthy.

In fact, along with the fact that I havent done daycare (except Church nurseries and Sunday preschool), I attribute the fact that James hasnt really ever been sick, except with allergies, and maybe a slight cold or two in four years, to having both breastmilk and good forumla, and now, good nutritious food. I refuse to let James eat the same way I did when I was growing up....and out... LOL

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Decide what you want, it's really not up to you. No, seriously. It's not a personal slam, just a frustrating fact

Oh, man! Your story is nuts! I think what I was trying to say to her was whatever you decide to do (before the fact), expect the antagonists and don't let people annoy you or deter you. But, you're right ... (as I found out with #1), it doesn't always work out the way you plan it either. That is where flexibility comes in ... and it is critical.

(Ice cold formula, eh? After deciding I didn't need the torture with my first, I gave her breast milk in a bottle ... STRAIGHT OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR ... for the rest of the year. People thought I was crazy - that I was hurting her somehow ... she survived! Heck - she even liked it. Why bother to warm it up if she likes it that way!? We drink OUR milk cold, right?? Thanks for sharing your story! Just one more example of how each situation, each child is different!)

Cheers!
S of the PEAS

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Ok, a question for all of you parents and soon-parents-to-be out there.....

How did you know when it was time to start your families?

Well...it was really easy to know when...I got pregnant! That's when we decided to start a family!!! LOL We actually found out on our honeymoon that I was pregnant. Oops! So much for planning! Did we learn? NOOoooooo....baby #2 came exactly to the day...18 months later. Still didn't learn...baby #3 came 8 days less than a year later. I had one word for my husband after #3 was born...VASECTOMY!!! LOL

Okay...that was probably TOO much information!

I also wanted to say something about the whole breastfeeding/formula/whatever topic. Do what is best for you AND your baby! I so desperately wanted to breastfeed my children for their first year. However, my body didn't want to cooperate. After 6 months with my oldest, he just wasn't gaining enough weight. Add that to other circumstances going on at the time (long story) and we gave up on the nursing and switched to formula. Both Mommy and baby were MUCH happier. I tried again with #2 and #3, but after about a month or two I had to switch to formula again.
With baby #1 I felt really guilty...horrible...bad...for not being able to breastfeed my child. I also got alot of frustrating advice from someone who was determined that I should continue to breastfeed. I felt so guilty that if I was in a public situation, I tried to hide the bottle of formula by pretending I was nursing when I had to feed him. If anyone EVER makes you, or ANY of you ladies on this board, feel that way...tell them to bugger off! Or perhaps something more polite!!! LOL If only I'd known then what I know now!

I forgot to mention that all 3 of my kids seem to be growing up normal despite all the formula they ingested...and the fact that their mama is a bit crazy! (Hey...it's them who made me crazy to begin with!)

Dunhom5 Mama

Thanks to all who responded so openly and verbosely to my/our questions :)

It gave us a lot to think and talk about.

I'd also really like to finish my MBA before we go down that new and exciting chapter in our lives of parenthood. We have decided for now to hold off and hope that the perimenopause holds off too!

SunFleur & The MI Patriot