Read Thread: A Bard, A Sprite, and a Misnamed Monster
A Bard, A Sprite, and a Misnamed Monster
Board: Dungeons and Dragons
Jul 3, 2007 1:06pm
A mushroom.
Oldmiscreant was a demi-god; he coulda left me something USEFUL… but no, all I got was a weird dream and a pixilated mushroom. I gotta find me a better god-of-mirth-and-mischief!
Ok, so here we were, the Sprite and I, with a flashing Tortoise above the door. That’s flashing as in “blinking on and off”, NOT as in “Pssst, buddy, wanna see my carapace?” Oh, I knew full well that the door would inevitably lead to more fighting and pain – this was a dungeon after all. But still, there was not really much else we could do but go through it, I suppose. Some call it “Destiny.” I tend to think of it as “Preordained Stupidity.”
We approached the door, wondering if it was booby-trapped or locked, when suddenly we heard a clickity-clack noise coming from above. Looking up, we saw numbers flashing rapidly across the Tortoise’s shell, and slowing down (along with the clicking) until they finally stopped on “08”.
“What does that mean, Sprite?”
“Well, wassa, I would guess it means that the door is unlocked, and could for all intents and purposes be made of cheese…”
“Oooh, cheese door! Mmmmm… hold on, though. I am not sure I want any cheese that has been fermenting directly beneath a glowing Tortoise, ya know what I mean?”
“Wassa! It’s just an expression! All I mean is that there is nothing wrong with this door, and we can go through it. Why don’t you take a peek, see what we’re up against?”
“Is this Swiss Cheese, then?”
“Use the keyhole, ya yutz!”
I looked, but even in this dungeon where everything was weird, this was weird.
“Uh, Sprite? I don’t know how to explain this, but this creature is, well, like all the US Forestry Service mascots rolled into one.”
“What on EARTH are you blabbering about, Wassa?”
“Well, see, it looks like the body of Smokey the Bear, but his head is definitely that of Woodsy Owl. What do they call a creature like that, Sprite? Part Owl, part Bear?”
“Wassa, you’re kidding me, right? You don’t know what this is? Basic D&D 101.. when you combine ‘Owl’ with ‘Bear’, you get… think now… what would it be called?”
“Hmmmm. Owl and Bear. Owl. Bear. Owl Bear. Oh!!! I know!!!”
“Yes, Wassa?”
“It would be called… a B’Owl ! (pronounced ‘bowel’) ”
Sprite groaned and slapped her forehead so hard she did 1 hp of damage. This fact was obscured, however, by the sound of the cheese door being raked off its hinges from the other side.
“Lookout, Sprite! That Bowel is loose!!!”
In true Hero fashion, I quickly and expediently gave up any chance of having the initiative by making more “bowel” jokes. The Bowel, apparently unmoved by the humor, caught me flat footed. It took a swing at me with its massive claws, but somehow missed. It DID, however, knock my green AQ Premium Membership cap off me, and against all probability (and a few of the laws of science), the cap landed squarely on its large Owly head, jauntily cocked to one side.
“Look, Sprite! See, I TOLD you he looked like Woodsy!” Sprite suffered yet another hp of self-inflicted damage. (Editor’s note: Ok, I had a large Owl head and a green Robin Hood cap in the same room… how could I possibly pass up that opportunity?) I quickly unsheathed the snoozing Sayvmahass, The Prattling Sabre, and attempted to perforate the Bowel. A quick nick across its side inflicted a small yet enraging injury to the beast. Another swing of the mighty Sayvmahass did little more than trim a bit of feather off the cap. My final bold and daring move in the sequence consisted of me running away as fast as I could. This proved to be the most effective of the three. Sprite took this opportunity to not only ignore my incessant bowel jokes, but to actually Zap the darn thing, and the smell of burning feathers and fur wafted through the acrid air of our confines. The “Smokey” part of him was incensed by this ( < --- bonus pun). The enraged Mascot lashed out, unfortunately catching me right smack dab in the unawares, and inflicting a fairly significant amount of damage.
The cap slipped down over its eyes a bit, slowing him down such that we were able to get a fair distance away from the beast. That’s when it struck me. The idea, I mean, not the Bowel – though he would get his chance. It occurred to me that we had resources available that we had never bothered using, and it was time to fix that oversight.
“Sprite! Here, take this mushroom and hover over there…”
“Huh? What are you talking about, Wassa? This is no time for fooling around!”
“I know, but Oldsmobile said I needed to start using my head, so maybe now is the time to employ a little brains over brawn.”
“We’re doomed.”
“Look, Sprite, just hover over there holding up the mushroom, ok? Owls LOVE mushrooms, right? Or was it Bears that love mushrooms? Maybe it is just Bowels, I don’t know, but in any case, you and the mushroom are BAIT, you gotta get him moving in that direction.”
“Why? How will that help?”
“Remember that Magic Coat we got a few rooms back? The one with all the stuff hidden in it? Well, time to use some of it!” I whipped out the magic coat, and pulled two ladders out of it. Really. Two big long wooden ladders came out of that coat. I could have pulled out a boat, too, but I figured I was pushing my luck enough already.
Sprite did the only thing she could under the circumstances. She banged her head gently on the floor muttering “Why, gods, why?”
I took the two ladders, and quickly leaned them against each other, creating a giant “A” frame. Then I instructed Sprite to get on the OTHER side of it, and attempt to lure the Bowel through with the mushroom.
“Have you lost your MIND, Wassa? Let me see if I got this right… You’re setting up the ladders IN FULL VIEW of the monster, then you want me to zip out just ahead of the monster (within reach, I might add) with something SHINY and EDIBLE???”
“Are you trying to imply, Sprite, that my plan is less than foolproof?”
“No, Wassa, we have at least ONE fool, and I can prove it! So help me help YOU here… how do you see this playing out in the dollar-theater of your mind?”
“Simple! We just stand on the other side of the precarious ladder structure, tempting the Fowl Bowel with a delectable mushroom. And he, in his animalistic fury, rushes toward us, intent upon obtaining said luscious fungus, and in the process… and here is the REALLY clever part… he is forced to run UNDER THE LADDERS! Cool, huh?”
It is really rather interesting that somehow, in the middle of a fierce battle in a confined dungeon, there could be such an awkward moment of silence. I could have SWORN I heard the faint chirping of crickets in the background.
“That’s… your… plan? Making him run under LADDERS? I can only assume you are doing this so that he will have bad luck? Are… you… CRAZY???”
Unfortunately, there was no more time to argue the point. A running Bowel can come up on you quicker than you expect. But then a strange thing happened. As it approached the ladder structure, it slowed down, paused, and came to a halt before the contraption. It looked confused, poked at a ladder with a claw, and was clearly puzzled by the whole setup. It looked at us, then the ladders, then back at us, finally gave a little shrug, a big growl, and started at us… right under the ladders. Sprite and I suddenly felt a faint breeze, which sounded vaguely like someone laughing, and then, to our amazement… a large bucket of Paint came out of nowhere, fell off the ladder, and landed on the Bowel’s head!
Yet another hp of damage as Sprite slapped her forehead, muttering “You have GOT to be kidding…”
“I KNEW it, I just KNEW Oldbadjokester would come to help us if I tempted him!”
“But Wassa, in your dream, Olidammara said he wouldn’t be able to help us!! You risked our LIVES and seem to have FORGOTTEN that little fact!”
Another slight breeze rustled through the room, and I SWEAR I heard it say “I wasn’t helping you, I was just… painting the room! It looked so DRAB in here…” Then it was gone.
Sprite shook her head once again… “You two… all that hullabaloo, and basically all you really achieved was… a Bowel obstruction!”
The Bowel was unhurt, of course, but it WAS blinded, and also very unlucky, so we had THAT going for us. I leaped forward, wielding Sayvmahass, and struck at the creature. At the same time, Sprite issued a few flanking Zaps, doing some serious damage as well as drying the paint in festive and unusual patterns. The Bowel was seriously weakened, but not yet defeated. Blinded with rage and FD&C Red Dye #4, the Bowel struck out randomly at where I had been standing. Apparently, MY luck was a bit less than perfect as well, because he clobbered me with both claws, nearly knocking me out and rendering me incapable of fighting (or standing, or almost of breathing). The GOOD news was that I slipped in the paint, and narrowly avoided a nasty bite.
“Get it, Sprite! I distracted it for you!”
“Bleeding all over it is a pretty lousy way of distracting it, Wassa” she said, as she let loose with a couple of hefty zaps. The Bowel staggered a bit, lurched forward, and collapsed, dead. Interestingly, the bucket of paint fell off his head, and the Green Cap flew out, landing jauntily on my head. Weird.
Oldmiscreant was a demi-god; he coulda left me something USEFUL… but no, all I got was a weird dream and a pixilated mushroom. I gotta find me a better god-of-mirth-and-mischief!
Ok, so here we were, the Sprite and I, with a flashing Tortoise above the door. That’s flashing as in “blinking on and off”, NOT as in “Pssst, buddy, wanna see my carapace?” Oh, I knew full well that the door would inevitably lead to more fighting and pain – this was a dungeon after all. But still, there was not really much else we could do but go through it, I suppose. Some call it “Destiny.” I tend to think of it as “Preordained Stupidity.”
We approached the door, wondering if it was booby-trapped or locked, when suddenly we heard a clickity-clack noise coming from above. Looking up, we saw numbers flashing rapidly across the Tortoise’s shell, and slowing down (along with the clicking) until they finally stopped on “08”.
“What does that mean, Sprite?”
“Well, wassa, I would guess it means that the door is unlocked, and could for all intents and purposes be made of cheese…”
“Oooh, cheese door! Mmmmm… hold on, though. I am not sure I want any cheese that has been fermenting directly beneath a glowing Tortoise, ya know what I mean?”
“Wassa! It’s just an expression! All I mean is that there is nothing wrong with this door, and we can go through it. Why don’t you take a peek, see what we’re up against?”
“Is this Swiss Cheese, then?”
“Use the keyhole, ya yutz!”
I looked, but even in this dungeon where everything was weird, this was weird.
“Uh, Sprite? I don’t know how to explain this, but this creature is, well, like all the US Forestry Service mascots rolled into one.”
“What on EARTH are you blabbering about, Wassa?”
“Well, see, it looks like the body of Smokey the Bear, but his head is definitely that of Woodsy Owl. What do they call a creature like that, Sprite? Part Owl, part Bear?”
“Wassa, you’re kidding me, right? You don’t know what this is? Basic D&D 101.. when you combine ‘Owl’ with ‘Bear’, you get… think now… what would it be called?”
“Hmmmm. Owl and Bear. Owl. Bear. Owl Bear. Oh!!! I know!!!”
“Yes, Wassa?”
“It would be called… a B’Owl ! (pronounced ‘bowel’) ”
Sprite groaned and slapped her forehead so hard she did 1 hp of damage. This fact was obscured, however, by the sound of the cheese door being raked off its hinges from the other side.
“Lookout, Sprite! That Bowel is loose!!!”
In true Hero fashion, I quickly and expediently gave up any chance of having the initiative by making more “bowel” jokes. The Bowel, apparently unmoved by the humor, caught me flat footed. It took a swing at me with its massive claws, but somehow missed. It DID, however, knock my green AQ Premium Membership cap off me, and against all probability (and a few of the laws of science), the cap landed squarely on its large Owly head, jauntily cocked to one side.
“Look, Sprite! See, I TOLD you he looked like Woodsy!” Sprite suffered yet another hp of self-inflicted damage. (Editor’s note: Ok, I had a large Owl head and a green Robin Hood cap in the same room… how could I possibly pass up that opportunity?) I quickly unsheathed the snoozing Sayvmahass, The Prattling Sabre, and attempted to perforate the Bowel. A quick nick across its side inflicted a small yet enraging injury to the beast. Another swing of the mighty Sayvmahass did little more than trim a bit of feather off the cap. My final bold and daring move in the sequence consisted of me running away as fast as I could. This proved to be the most effective of the three. Sprite took this opportunity to not only ignore my incessant bowel jokes, but to actually Zap the darn thing, and the smell of burning feathers and fur wafted through the acrid air of our confines. The “Smokey” part of him was incensed by this ( < --- bonus pun). The enraged Mascot lashed out, unfortunately catching me right smack dab in the unawares, and inflicting a fairly significant amount of damage.
The cap slipped down over its eyes a bit, slowing him down such that we were able to get a fair distance away from the beast. That’s when it struck me. The idea, I mean, not the Bowel – though he would get his chance. It occurred to me that we had resources available that we had never bothered using, and it was time to fix that oversight.
“Sprite! Here, take this mushroom and hover over there…”
“Huh? What are you talking about, Wassa? This is no time for fooling around!”
“I know, but Oldsmobile said I needed to start using my head, so maybe now is the time to employ a little brains over brawn.”
“We’re doomed.”
“Look, Sprite, just hover over there holding up the mushroom, ok? Owls LOVE mushrooms, right? Or was it Bears that love mushrooms? Maybe it is just Bowels, I don’t know, but in any case, you and the mushroom are BAIT, you gotta get him moving in that direction.”
“Why? How will that help?”
“Remember that Magic Coat we got a few rooms back? The one with all the stuff hidden in it? Well, time to use some of it!” I whipped out the magic coat, and pulled two ladders out of it. Really. Two big long wooden ladders came out of that coat. I could have pulled out a boat, too, but I figured I was pushing my luck enough already.
Sprite did the only thing she could under the circumstances. She banged her head gently on the floor muttering “Why, gods, why?”
I took the two ladders, and quickly leaned them against each other, creating a giant “A” frame. Then I instructed Sprite to get on the OTHER side of it, and attempt to lure the Bowel through with the mushroom.
“Have you lost your MIND, Wassa? Let me see if I got this right… You’re setting up the ladders IN FULL VIEW of the monster, then you want me to zip out just ahead of the monster (within reach, I might add) with something SHINY and EDIBLE???”
“Are you trying to imply, Sprite, that my plan is less than foolproof?”
“No, Wassa, we have at least ONE fool, and I can prove it! So help me help YOU here… how do you see this playing out in the dollar-theater of your mind?”
“Simple! We just stand on the other side of the precarious ladder structure, tempting the Fowl Bowel with a delectable mushroom. And he, in his animalistic fury, rushes toward us, intent upon obtaining said luscious fungus, and in the process… and here is the REALLY clever part… he is forced to run UNDER THE LADDERS! Cool, huh?”
It is really rather interesting that somehow, in the middle of a fierce battle in a confined dungeon, there could be such an awkward moment of silence. I could have SWORN I heard the faint chirping of crickets in the background.
“That’s… your… plan? Making him run under LADDERS? I can only assume you are doing this so that he will have bad luck? Are… you… CRAZY???”
Unfortunately, there was no more time to argue the point. A running Bowel can come up on you quicker than you expect. But then a strange thing happened. As it approached the ladder structure, it slowed down, paused, and came to a halt before the contraption. It looked confused, poked at a ladder with a claw, and was clearly puzzled by the whole setup. It looked at us, then the ladders, then back at us, finally gave a little shrug, a big growl, and started at us… right under the ladders. Sprite and I suddenly felt a faint breeze, which sounded vaguely like someone laughing, and then, to our amazement… a large bucket of Paint came out of nowhere, fell off the ladder, and landed on the Bowel’s head!
Yet another hp of damage as Sprite slapped her forehead, muttering “You have GOT to be kidding…”
“I KNEW it, I just KNEW Oldbadjokester would come to help us if I tempted him!”
“But Wassa, in your dream, Olidammara said he wouldn’t be able to help us!! You risked our LIVES and seem to have FORGOTTEN that little fact!”
Another slight breeze rustled through the room, and I SWEAR I heard it say “I wasn’t helping you, I was just… painting the room! It looked so DRAB in here…” Then it was gone.
Sprite shook her head once again… “You two… all that hullabaloo, and basically all you really achieved was… a Bowel obstruction!”
The Bowel was unhurt, of course, but it WAS blinded, and also very unlucky, so we had THAT going for us. I leaped forward, wielding Sayvmahass, and struck at the creature. At the same time, Sprite issued a few flanking Zaps, doing some serious damage as well as drying the paint in festive and unusual patterns. The Bowel was seriously weakened, but not yet defeated. Blinded with rage and FD&C Red Dye #4, the Bowel struck out randomly at where I had been standing. Apparently, MY luck was a bit less than perfect as well, because he clobbered me with both claws, nearly knocking me out and rendering me incapable of fighting (or standing, or almost of breathing). The GOOD news was that I slipped in the paint, and narrowly avoided a nasty bite.
“Get it, Sprite! I distracted it for you!”
“Bleeding all over it is a pretty lousy way of distracting it, Wassa” she said, as she let loose with a couple of hefty zaps. The Bowel staggered a bit, lurched forward, and collapsed, dead. Interestingly, the bucket of paint fell off his head, and the Green Cap flew out, landing jauntily on my head. Weird.
Re: A Bard, A Sprite, and a Misnamed Monster
Board: Dungeons and Dragons
Reply to: #105941 by wassamatta u
Jul 3, 2007 1:51pm
ROTFL:D
OMG, your post couldn't have come at a better time! I really needed a good laugh.
:)FC
OMG, your post couldn't have come at a better time! I really needed a good laugh.
:)FC
Re: A Bard, A Sprite, and a Misnamed Monster
Board: Dungeons and Dragons
Reply to: #105955 by Bikercats
Jul 3, 2007 2:06pm
Hurray, D & D heroic derry doings at last. *Clapping*
Such hilarious carryings on to remind me I must catch up on the last few posts I missed when on hols.
The Shimmering Tortoise
PS - What do you think i am doing above the doors, I'm not a fruit machine! :-(
Such hilarious carryings on to remind me I must catch up on the last few posts I missed when on hols.
The Shimmering Tortoise
PS - What do you think i am doing above the doors, I'm not a fruit machine! :-(
Re: A Bard, A Sprite, and a Misnamed Monster
Board: Dungeons and Dragons
Reply to: #105941 by wassamatta u
Jul 3, 2007 7:29pm
Y'know, you'd be an AMAZING fighter if not for all the near-DYING you do! LOL
1000 for the beast and 250 for the post!
1000 for the beast and 250 for the post!
