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Read Thread: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)

Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 5:34am
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I say go and when offered a drink, "I've been having issues with my sinuses and I'm on antibiotics." Sorry, no alcohol for Holly! I know it's lying but I think in this case it's justified.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 5:50am
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I don't have kids of my own but work with kids of all ages, and I think it's important that you make the decision with her, expressing that there isn't going to be a perfect solution no matter what. That's an unfortunate life lesson unto itself.

Discuss all options with her: What if she went to the prom but then came home right afterwards, how would she feel, how would her friends view her, which is more important? What if she went to the prom, part of the party (like with a curfew), then left? How would she feel, how would her friends view her? If she's uncomfortable drinking, then would she feel better or worse if she did? Does she want to have something ready to say in case she refuses (a lot of my students go with the response "Brains develop until age 25, and alcohol can screw them up. I'll drink later in life, just not yet." Yes, this is true).

If she's a visual person, write it all down so she can compare choices. Sometimes life choices really, really suck.

And, while she won't really be able to comprehend it now, in a few years she likely will have lost contact with her high school friends and have found new friends who share similar interests, not just similar space. I know it's hard, but I've always been happier after I went with what I wanted, not the crowd (or, if what I wanted was what the crowd wanted, that was ok too). Then I don't regret it later.

Also, I guarantee that there are other students in her class who are facing the same dilemma. She just doesn't know it.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 5:50am
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I am the mother of 4 sons (all Eagle Scouts, but not teen-angels), the youngest of which had the WORST time at senior prom .... bullied by his then-girlfriend into situations where he was was not comfortable. The wedding-proposal-invites, the dresses that are as expensive as wedding gowns, let alone the illegal substances, are not appropriate for teens to aspire to.

When my boys were in high school, we had an understanding that if they really wanted out of a situation, they could ask me to call them home early, or forbid them to go in the first place. With the exception of that one prom experience, my sons were very good judges of what was about to happen (or get out of control). I played the "mom card" at their request more times than I can count.

Go ahead and save your daughter. Tell her that she must wait for senior prom, or whatever plausible reason she needs you to say so that she can "save face."

Better yet, help her to say no to these girls by giving her a better alternative: A mom/daughter surprise weekend. Take the money that you/she would spend on this event and go do something with just you two. Something frivolous, expensive (meaning more $ than you would usually spend, not over-the-top-fancy), fun, instagram-worthy. Tickets to a sporting event, buy her the new BB shoes, etc.

my humble opinion,
DD
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 6:11am
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It's a tough situation, but as mom, all you can do is give her the best advice you can and know that she's got a good head on her shoulders. Ultimately, she's going to be exposed to these things in the real world and this is her chance to gain some experience in dealing with this sort of stuff while she's still with you and before she gets into the real world. These are decisions that she has to learn to make herself, with your guidance.

Realistically, no one wants to share their alcohol and drugs with someone that doesn't want them, unless they want to make fun of her or take advantage. If she resists the temptation to fit in, make sure she knows to watch what she drinks so no one slips things to her or refills a drink without her noticing.

You DO have control over letting her go to the sleepover. I would NOT let my daughter spend the night with parents that are obviously enabling poor behavior. The boys being present is just an added reason to not let her go. You have to trust the parents you entrust your child to. Never trust other people's teenagers.

Make sure that your daughter knows that she can call you for help at any point without fear of being punished for making a poor decision. Let her know that you are always there to bail her out of any situation, without judgement.

You got this. So does she.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974612 by LROSEM
Apr 26, 2019 6:46am
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I have offered to be the one that says no. I have also said to go and if she doesn't want to come text me with a code word, and I will come get her. I have told her in life she will be around people that are doing things you don't want to and you just have to go with the flow. I know there will be some people that aren't partaking. There has to be....not every kid will be drinking? There has to be a few that wont?

She has watched enough crime shows to know to watch her drink, and maybe that's what scares her....I just cant get why she is so judge-y about teenagers drinking....not that I approve it, just acknowledging the fact that they are experimenting with it. She has tasted my wine and has hated it.

I actually did think of going to a spa or something. Problem is if we did that, she would still be miserable and wouldn't open up to me anyway...she would most likely be stalking insta and snapchat watching the events happening.

I know she will be exposed to these types of things when she goes to college...that's sort of why I want her to start now where she can still come home and talk, be safe, get away from before it starts happening in school where she has to live it 24/7.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974607 by thndrkttn
Apr 26, 2019 7:15am
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It takes as much (or more) strength to stand up to your friends as it does your enemies.

The reason she can give for leaving the party early is 'because I want to'. My grownup self would like her to say 'because I don't like being around drunken idiots', but that's not "socially acceptable" or something...

I know peer pressure is never going away, no matter how 'enlightened' we think we are, but it's aggravating that this poor kid can't just be herself.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974615 by CookieCutter
Apr 26, 2019 7:27am
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I know right!? That's what is happening...her friends know she doesn't do it, so they do it without her. She said she doesn't care if they do it, she just doesn't want to be around it. So she isn't. Therefore alone.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 10:40am
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So, I am a nineteen-year-old girl, and I remember prom. I was in a group then uninvited because I was in regular classes in school and everyone else in the group was in the advanced classes. Whatever. On to college, I have been to a few smaller parties. It's easier when you know the people there rather than being in a crowd full of strangers. My boyfriend and I don't drink, neither one of us have any interest in it at all, so the first party I went to I said: "My mom would kill me if I drank." The response from everyone was "why are you listening to what your mom says, you're an adult and she's not here." The next time I went to the party when asked to drink, I said honestly, "Drinking doesn't interest me and I don't want to. I don't mind if you do." No one gave me a hard time about it!

I always thought I could use my mom as a scapegoat, and it doesn't work as well because you leave the impression that you want to do something and can't because you'd disappoint someone else. When you say you don't want to do something, you make it clear that it's your own choice and decision.

Go to the party, you will regret it if you don't, but just because you're there doesn't mean you have to follow the crowd. It's way more complicated thinking you're the only one not drinking than actually being there and being the only one not drinking. From my own experience, not drinking doesn't cost you friends. (Oof, a double negative, but it's true)
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974621 by AdventurousAcorn
Apr 26, 2019 11:30am
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I think this is a great answer. I also think there is a vital lesson here (many, actually). One thing you addressed is the assumption she'll be the ONLY ONE uncomfortable or not drinking. Even if true, the better takeaway is "so what?" Also, her peers need to deal with being told no and see what it looks like for others to enforce boundaries. A great lesson for all. Holly sounds great. Enforcing boundaries is the ultimate affirmation of Self. This is also how you figure out the quality of your friendships.

Also, what the hell are these parents thinking. "We don't like it, but went along with it, . . ." because we forgot we are the adults in this relationship?

Mom still needs to say no. Let Holly communicate to her friends who she really is -- someone who doesn't enjoy parties like that and agrees with her mom.

For the record, she wants you to say no, or she wouldn't have shared this information with you. Just sayin'. It's better, as was rightly pointed out, that she learn to own her own &#!+.

As for regretting the party? So many worse things to regret. Prom has exactly the importance we give it. In five years, she won't care at all. She and her fiance will be putting a down payment on their first house while her friends are paying off their prom dresses, mani/pedi's and upsweeps.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 2:56pm
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Oh, this should make you feel better. I just returned to my desk from a conversation with my school librarian who told me that a prom party for her son's friend doubled as a birthday party for their 18-year-old son, complete with a keg and hired stripper. And by "hired stripper," I mean the parents hired her. And supplied the keg. And the drinking age here is 21. And the parents are: a psychologist and high-ranking doctor. He runs a hospital or is in some leadership position. For now.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974629 by Wry Me
Apr 27, 2019 5:29am
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OMG that is crazy...what do parents think? When I mentioned the prom party my son went to and the mom assured me there would be no drinking, she constantly pointed out that she is a reverend and her husband is a well respected ob-gyn. I didn't even see him at the before gathering and she didn't do any checking at all at the party.

So an update....Holly and GM went to dinner with the dates last night, so holly and Ashton could meet. She said he was nice and normal. Phew...she feels a little better about that. They went into the mall to walk around a little and ran into kailynn and some other girls. Kailynn said the party at her house wasn't going to happen, her mom found the stash of alcohol! Big surprise! Dylan, (one of the other girls) said she was going to ask her dad to buy her some. I don't know her dad, and will be very upset if he does.

So now holly has no idea where they are going after. She wants to go bowling, but everyone wants to go to a party. I am sure someone will throw one. I said, so you all are going to just listen at the dance and see who is having one then show up? She has no idea.

And she tells me she doesn't love the drinking, but can deal with it. What she hates more is the weed and the vaping. Again everyone does it. I keep saying really? She throws out there that when we were at kailynns house a few weeks ago for a bon fire, the girls were outside, parents were inside.....the girls decided to go get ice cream. (never mind the table full of desserts, I now know why they always leave when we are together) she was in the car with kailynn and Dylan and they both pulled out a vape. Offered it to holly and she said no. I said what did they say when you said no? Did they make fun of you or just go ok. She said they just said ok, cus they are her friends. She is afraid of what others will say. I asked if it was regular vape or pot. Because apparently you can vape pot? I have no idea how that works. She said it was regular. I said good, because if it were pot, I would tell her mom if she is driving around vaping pot. Specially with my kid in the car. Unless it comes up, I will not mention this. Holly is afraid I will tell the other moms and she will be even more on the outs.

I said find the other kids that don't drink. She said they are the freaks. I say get to know them, maybe they aren't that bad. After all, you have at least one thing in common. I got the eye roll on that one!

What really bugs me is when I texted michelle and asked her about the sleepover I mentioned alcohol and she said if she suspects it she will ask the person to leave. So she found it, and cancelled the party which is good. But I sort of feel like she should have a conversation with the parents and let them know its going on. Maybe to warn them that its going to happen and suggest that they pay a little more attention?

And I asked holly why she is so against it. I said usually when someone has such an aversion to something its cus they have had a bad experience. She said she hasn't . She said she just isn't interested, actually doesn't want to kill the brain cells she has, wants to have a future. AND she said it wasn't worth losing my trust! Yeah me! I admit, I got teary at that one!

So stay tuned....more to come as the day develops
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974663 by Wry Me
Apr 27, 2019 9:31am
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We have middle schoolers vaping in the bathrooms at school.

Imagine an update of this song.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974667 by Oberon_Kenobi
Apr 27, 2019 4:12pm
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So update, kailynn texted this morning and said the original group can still come to a party and stay over. Most of the girls and the few orginal boys. But bags must be kept upstairs. I said whats to stop them from going and getting anything once the parents go to bed. Holly said she still doesn't want to go, cus they will just put their vapes in their pockets.

So I told her to play it by ear and see how it goes. She still isn't feeling well, had a major headache all day. I said go and see how it is, if she wants to leave she can call us. I don't think she will be spending the night.

She is wondering if others are going to be turned away. She heard people at school talking about kailynns party. She is pretty sure no official announcement went out that the party was nixed!
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974680 by Crazyolis
Apr 28, 2019 8:50am
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So final update...Holly went to the dance, and must be a really good faker. The pictures all look good, she looks happy in them. They called for a ride by 9:30 which was a little early. The prom itself was eh...I knew it would be, it was in a place that is absolutely beautiful, but once music starts, its so loud you can not hear a word. Its a big glass dome. Has all the pretty twinkling lights, but nothing to absorb any sound. Plus all they offered were drinks and cookies. for $45! I am a little irritated that it was that much, but that's a whole other story!

They stopped at Applebees for something to eat. Just her and GM and the 2 boys. Then the other three went to the party at Kailynns. I think the boys went, I honestly don't know. Holly came home, burst into tears, said she had a sucky time, her head is killing her and off to ER we went.

We had been to Urgent care in the morning because she woke up in the worst pain ever. Couldn't open her eyes to the light, just couldn't move. Urgent care gave her a dose of Toridol and Tylenol. Took the edge off a tiny bit, enough that she could at least face the cloudiness of the day. They said if it didn't get better, her other option was for ER and maybe a narcotic. But obviously couldn't do that before the prom.

So we went at midnight, spend the night with 2 bags off iv fluid, and some iv meds. Home at 7am, and she is still sleeping.

She said she was upset with GM because she kept hounding her to go to the party which is just what she didn't want to happen. She said she knew even if the alcohol got stopped by the bag check, they could put their vapes in their pockets. She just doesn't want to be around it.

So thank you for the advice....I can see we still have a lot of talking and working through things. She needs to figure out how to navigate this rough area called high school.

Oh and the former bestie...GB...she saw her there and GB looked right at her and rolled her eyes. Whatever I said, karma will get her.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974701 by Crazyolis
Apr 29, 2019 1:21pm
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Sounds like she made herself sick worrying about it. I'm glad you were there to help her through it all. She'll appreciate you more later in life. (I think she already does, but hindsight does wonders) Give her hugs from her letterboxing friends.