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Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 14, 2020 1:16pm
Thread
Politely decline, no gift. If that pisses her off it's her problem.

Take her out of your news feed on facebook. She'll never know it and you won't have to see her posts.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982526 by Grrly Girl
Jan 14, 2020 3:01pm
Thread
<quote>Yeah, I know this flies in the face of "etiquette" but I give a gift that should last a lifetime. I hope they'll think of me occasionally when they use it.<quote/>

Ooops….forgot how to make the box around the quote! LOL

One of my favorite gifts from our wedding was a chip/dip tray. We use it every single time we have friends over. It came from a friend that my dad worked with and basically was invited because of their friendship. I only knew him slightly from work and honestly haven't seen him in over 20 years.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 14, 2020 4:19pm
Thread
Go with your gut. You've given gifts before, when you were closer friends. If you don't feel comfortable attending you definitely shouldn't feel obligated to send a gift, especially if your gut is telling you it's a gift grab.

I did also want to say I have given to the honeymoon fund once-- but it was 2 people well into adulthood who had all the typical wedding gift things they needed once they combined households- didn't need dishes, towels, etc. So, rather than make a registry of stuff they didn't really need- you had the option of helping to fund an experience on their honeymoon. They had a list of things- a dinner, an admission, a tour, a train ride, a night's stay, etc so you could choose the amount you'd give- similar to if I walked around Bed Bath & Beyond with their registry list and found something in my budget for them. And much easier :)

That being said, I had a younger cousin who graduated high school and sent ALLLLL the extended family an invitation to contribute to her graduation "trip to herself" to Hawaii. Now THAT I did not do.

Summary: you are not an awful person. I think you have been more than generous the past years.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982539 by Crazyolis
Jan 14, 2020 4:27pm
Thread
Wait a minute. Back up the truck. I went back and read your original post again. This is her third marriage? Did I count that right?
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 14, 2020 5:17pm
Thread
She's already shown you everything you need to know. Believe her.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982546 by MissMoon
Jan 14, 2020 10:55pm
Thread
This is her third marriage? Did I count that right?

I think it would be a little funny (and maybe even appropriate) to send a note that you're a little strapped for cash so you can't afford to donate this time.... but you'll have her back for her fourth husband. =)

-- Ryan
Re: Am I an awful person?
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982539 by Crazyolis
Jan 15, 2020 12:25am
Thread
One of my favorite gifts from our wedding was a chip/dip tray.

All it takes for me is seeing pickles to remind me of a very favorite wedding gift.
I'm very sure that they gave me _their_ cut glass pickle dish.
It's not like I had admired theirs and they gave it to me.
One of the few items which I will always remember who gave it to me.

From what I've seen, people don't ask for nor receive this type of gift anymore.
I guess that makes me older than most AQers.
Re: Am I an awful person?
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982550 by Wry Me
Jan 15, 2020 12:34am
Thread
Maya Angelou
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
(punctuation varies depending on the source of the quote)

Took me a long time to learn this lesson.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982546 by MissMoon
Jan 15, 2020 3:38am
Thread
Yes third marriage...the title of their website is "third times a charm" I believe its the guys second marriage.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982560 by Crazyolis
Jan 15, 2020 8:07am
Thread
Yes third marriage...the title of their website is "third times a charm" I believe its the guys second marriage.

A third marriage and she's still doing the bridal shower/wedding/give me stuff and money thing? I think that is tacky if not totally inappropriate. I have no personal knowledge of this but I would imagine most women who are on a third marriage prefer to keep it low key.

It seems to me that both she and this third husband should have reached a point in life where they do not need to ask for financial help for a honeymoon. Or make it a point to go on one they can afford....or not go on one at all if money is an issue rather than ask for money.

I'm sure you have friends in your life who care about you and are a part of your life in a real way. She is not one of them. It's not about the facebook thing necessarily. I think "real life" friendships can be kept alive on facebook and real friendships can develop on facebook but this is not one of them.

It makes me wonder how many "friends" she may have been through in years past.

Time to let go and move on. Life is too short.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 15, 2020 9:21am
Thread
Nothing will get me to click faster than a chance to judge how awful a person is lol!

You're not awful at all. She broke it off a long time ago. Throw away the invite, unfriend her from Facebook and enjoy your life without worry.

*Hugs*
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982560 by Crazyolis
Jan 15, 2020 1:21pm
Thread
Yes third marriage...the title of their website is "third times a charm" I believe its the guys second marriage.

I was thinking, "Three strikes and you're out!"

KuKu
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 15, 2020 4:02pm
Thread
You're not an awful person. Sometimes friendships die. You both grow, just in different directions. IMO the best thing to do is to send an RSVP politely stating that you won't be able to attend the wedding or the shower. I don't see any reason for you to send a gift. From Brides magazine: "Traditional wedding etiquette states that if you can’t attend the wedding, you are not obligated to send a wedding gift. However, what you decide to do may depend much more on your relationship with the happy couple than on etiquette."

dp
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 15, 2020 5:22pm
Thread
If you really feel guilty , take the amount you would have spent on a gift and treat yourself to a bye-bye-bye frenemy pampering session.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 15, 2020 9:40pm
Thread
Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982525 by Rocklun
Jan 16, 2020 8:19am
Thread
I'd decline without any explanation or gift. You don't owe her anything.

Another vote for this. Do this and don’t give it another thought.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 16, 2020 11:11am
Thread
No, a really awful person would say they could not attend either event but you donated $100 to your favorite charity in her name.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982579 by shutterbug2012
Jan 16, 2020 12:27pm
Thread
If you really feel guilty , take the amount you would have spent on a gift and treat yourself to a bye-bye-bye frenemy pampering session

That is the best suggestion!!

KuKu
Re: Am I an awful person?
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982557 by Grrly Girl
Jan 16, 2020 1:11pm
Thread
Thanks for digging out that reference. She says it better.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 16, 2020 1:21pm
Thread
You are not a horrible person. You can always send a card wishing her well in her new marriage. Gifts should never be expected or required.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982524 by RDHG
Jan 16, 2020 1:22pm
Thread
Etiquette dictates that if you are invited to a wedding and do not attend, you should still send a gift. You mentioned that you feel like it is just a gift grab. Based solely on what you have said, I wonder if this woman has invited as many people as she can in the hopes of getting those gifts.

According to Miss Manners, this only applies to a first wedding.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982602 by LadyRisa
Jan 16, 2020 2:03pm
Thread
Aah, that part I did not know. Thank you for the added bit of information, LadyRisa. 🙂

Good to know.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982594 by BEBO BEAR
Jan 16, 2020 2:04pm
Thread
Yeah! Like Divorce Support.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982522 by Crazyolis
Jan 16, 2020 4:06pm
Thread
Had a similar thing happen 2 different people, 2 different times. Dont feel bad- decline & be happy surrounding yourself with REAL friends that actually care about you & your life not just a wedding gift!
Tan: Am I an awful person? - Maya Angelou
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982599 by Wry Me
Jan 17, 2020 2:38am
Thread
This is my favorite Maya Angelou quote:
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

In just a few words she could touch your heart.
Re: Tan: Am I an awful person? - Maya Angelou
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982615 by Grrly Girl
Jan 17, 2020 7:31am
Thread
OMG It gets better...though now this is just petty me coming out....ha....

I just looked at their website....they are doing the full blown thing with bridesmaids and everything. 5 of them!
And this is what it says on the registry link:

If you are thinking of giving a gift,
To help us on our way,
A gift towards our honeymoon,
would really make our day.
For our honeymoon we are taking a two week road trip across the country on Route 66. Cash, Visa gift cards, or gas cards would help us "Get our kicks on Route 66" :)
And of course there is always the option of Target or Amazon!
Thank you so much!

I am over feeling guilty about not going nor giving!
Re: Am I an awful person?
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982624 by Crazyolis
Jan 17, 2020 9:52am
Thread
Dearest readers of this thread.
I feel I've missed out on so much by not remarrying, so in lieu of a wedding:

Two of us, not an SO, but rather a friend of similar ilk to all of us reading and following this thread, will be taking a boxing road trip tomorrow morning.

If you are thinking of giving a gift,
To help us on our way,
A gift towards our road trip
would really make our day.

For our road trip we will be taking a 15 hour boxing vacation down 89 to 93 to 3 to 495 and into Tewksbury.
VISA gift card, gas cards or gift certificates to OSJL, Dunkin Donuts or BK would help us.

Thank you all so much.
Re: Am I an awful person?
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982625 by Grrly Girl
Jan 17, 2020 12:06pm
Thread
VISA gift card, gas cards or gift certificates to OSJL, Dunkin Donuts or BK would help us.

I bet an AQ account is helpful too. I'll help keep yours up and running and in good condition. ;o)

-- Ryan
Re: Am I an awful person?
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982628 by Green Tortuga
Jan 17, 2020 12:24pm
Thread
I bet an AQ account is helpful too. I'll help keep yours up and running and in good condition. ;o)

-- Ryan

sweet deal!

and now we're not going due to impending bad weather for the trip home.
FROZEN FOG !
Yeah, guess we don't really need to be driving home in that.
Re: Am I an awful person? (sorry didnt realize how long this is)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #982594 by BEBO BEAR
Jan 17, 2020 4:43pm
Thread
$100 to your favorite charity in her name

... the Human Fund?