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Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Apr 26, 2019 5:18am
Thread
I will try to keep this short, but it’s a long drawn out saga....Its prom time, supposed to be exciting and fun, but it’s anything but. My dd is 17. A junior. Dances and stuff really aren't her thing, but she goes with friends and has fun. She had fun at the 9th grade dance, this year’s homecoming dance (first time in years we have had one) we had a game. Our girls were allowed in without having to buy a ticket since they were going to miss most of the dance. They went straight from the game, in their uniforms all sweaty and high off a win. Holly said that was the best time she had! She likes the no pressure kind of stuff.

Prom is all about one upping....who got the best prom-posal, who has the most expensive dress, the eyelash extensions, the spray tan, nails, etc....Luckily my Holly isn't in to most of that. She feels that you bought your dress in Jan when you were pasty white and loved it, why do you need to be spray tanned to make it look good. She doesn't wear any makeup normally so she isn't interested in having makeup done. I say once these girls are all lined up in a row, are you going to be able to tell who paid $100 or $400 for the dress?

So cut to the problems...she was put in a group chat from her friend GB. With GB's basketball friends. Girls Holly knows and is sort of ok with. Then Hollys other friend GM has no group so Holly said come with us. GB said she has to ask the rest of the group. Takes forever to get back to her and then said no because some girl- Claire- doesn't like GM. So Holly said fine, she and GM joined another group. GB, who Holly has known since they were babies, got a little snotty, and pretty much stopped talking to her. (more on that later)

SO now this group was going to be about 12 girls. Now they all decided to get dates so they can have them for pictures. I guess the boys are props? Some have boyfriends but most have asked 'friends'. Holly didn't have a boyfriend and couldn't find a friend. GM asked a boy she works with from another school and then asked if he had a friend for holly. He did, she asked, he said yes. Though she hasn't met him yet. We were on vacation last week, then he was this week, coming home today, prom is tomorrow. Hopefully they are going to go to dinner tonight, the four of them.

So now this group is probably about 12 girls and maybe 9 boys.

Plan is to meet at a country club for pictures, go to the dance, and maybe go to the cookie place after, then over to Kaylynn’s for a party/sleepover. I talked to Michelle (Kailyn’s mom) and asked about the sleepover...boys? She said she didn't love it, but yes some of the boys were invited so they didn't have to drive home late. But she wasn't sure how to deal with holly and GM's dates, since no one knows them. She asked my opinion. I said I am not a fan of boy/girl sleepovers no matter how well you know them. I said they didn't need to be invited. I mentioned about my older sons experience with a boy girl sleepover at his prom....lots of alcohol and hooking up. She said OH Lord, she told kailynn that if she even suspects alcohol she will ask the person to leave. I said that's what that other mom said too. ha.

So now holly tells me she doesn't want to go to the party. She said she knows there is going to be drinking. I said really? With this group? I get the eye roll...mom its prom....everyone drinks and smokes weed. We have some straight A, two sport varsity athletes in this group. Yes, I know I am being naive. Holly is so worried about being in an uncomfortable position....doesn't want to be the only non-drinker in the room. Part of me wants to say, just take one drink and sip it all night. Then the other part says WTF am I thinking? Why would I tell my daughter that? Why tell her to fake it. Then I wonder what is she so afraid of? She has never really been around alcohol....her father doesn't drink and I have a glass of wine, very seldom. Usually only with the other FH moms. She has seen some of the silly drunk people in our neighborhood at our adult only parties. But has never seen a mean or violent drunk.

So I told her to go to the dance and the cookie place, go to the party and leave. She said she didn’t want to leave cus then everyone would be like why are you leaving.... now Kailynn has invited all these other people, a bunch of guys it sounds like, Some that holly knows, some she doesn’t...most she doesn’t care for. I guess they are all partiers. I said are they all sleeping over, she said no. I said perfect…leave when the do. She doesn’t want to be seen as the one that is a buzzkill.

I told GM’s mom that Holly was feeling very alone and not sure about the party and she said she was expecting some drinking...after all it’s a party. I feel like I can’t mention this to Michelle or one of the other moms without the fear of Holly being a narc. I am pretty sure if their daughters are drinking they don’t know a thing about it. These are the kind of girls that look so sweet and innocent and can be vipers when no one is looking.

I feel like she has already lost one friend over this, she feels she has NO friends. According to her EVERYONE does, drinks and smokes weed. I don’t believe every single person does, there has to be some that don’t. She just has to find them. But I don’t want her to be a social pariah either. I don’t need her to be the most popular but I want her to have some fun. I was never home on weekends as a junior. She never goes out.

The friend that I think she lost….GB…they have been friends since they were babies. She has been going down a path that isn’t the best one. Told holly she couldn’t hang with her on Halloween night cus her parents wouldn’t let her. Come to find out, she went to a party and got falling down sloppy drunk. Had a boyfriend, didn’t share that with holly…who doesn’t tell your best friend you have a boyfriend. Had sex, broke up with boyfriend, started drinking and smoking…etc… I think she feels holly will judge her, knowing how holly feels about the drinking and smoking. Hasn’t really talked to her much since, and not at all lately.

So Holly is so upset about the whole thing. She doesn’t want to go, but doesn’t want to not go. She is afraid of regretting it if she skips it. She is afraid of not following the crowd, but doesn’t want to be a crowd follower either. She doesn’t want to be left out, knowing she will be hearing about how much fun it was, and seeing the pictures all night.

Plus on top of this, she says she doesn’t feel well. Of course not I say, with all the worrying you are doing. I sort of wish she would just get a mild stomach bug enough to puke a few times so i can legit say she is sick!

I don’t get upset easily and this is killing me. She is so teary and upset its making me teary and upset. I don’t even know what advice to offer. I want her to at least go to the dance and play it by ear from there.

Thanks for listening...obviously I cant post about any of this, since almost everyone involved would see it and know exactly who I am talking about. I love my anonymous group of friends here that I can come to for advice!
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 5:30am
Thread
Be her scapegoat. Let her tell her friends her mom is a total jerk and won’t let her go to the party.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 5:34am
Thread
I say go and when offered a drink, "I've been having issues with my sinuses and I'm on antibiotics." Sorry, no alcohol for Holly! I know it's lying but I think in this case it's justified.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 5:50am
Thread
I don't have kids of my own but work with kids of all ages, and I think it's important that you make the decision with her, expressing that there isn't going to be a perfect solution no matter what. That's an unfortunate life lesson unto itself.

Discuss all options with her: What if she went to the prom but then came home right afterwards, how would she feel, how would her friends view her, which is more important? What if she went to the prom, part of the party (like with a curfew), then left? How would she feel, how would her friends view her? If she's uncomfortable drinking, then would she feel better or worse if she did? Does she want to have something ready to say in case she refuses (a lot of my students go with the response "Brains develop until age 25, and alcohol can screw them up. I'll drink later in life, just not yet." Yes, this is true).

If she's a visual person, write it all down so she can compare choices. Sometimes life choices really, really suck.

And, while she won't really be able to comprehend it now, in a few years she likely will have lost contact with her high school friends and have found new friends who share similar interests, not just similar space. I know it's hard, but I've always been happier after I went with what I wanted, not the crowd (or, if what I wanted was what the crowd wanted, that was ok too). Then I don't regret it later.

Also, I guarantee that there are other students in her class who are facing the same dilemma. She just doesn't know it.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 5:50am
Thread
I am the mother of 4 sons (all Eagle Scouts, but not teen-angels), the youngest of which had the WORST time at senior prom .... bullied by his then-girlfriend into situations where he was was not comfortable. The wedding-proposal-invites, the dresses that are as expensive as wedding gowns, let alone the illegal substances, are not appropriate for teens to aspire to.

When my boys were in high school, we had an understanding that if they really wanted out of a situation, they could ask me to call them home early, or forbid them to go in the first place. With the exception of that one prom experience, my sons were very good judges of what was about to happen (or get out of control). I played the "mom card" at their request more times than I can count.

Go ahead and save your daughter. Tell her that she must wait for senior prom, or whatever plausible reason she needs you to say so that she can "save face."

Better yet, help her to say no to these girls by giving her a better alternative: A mom/daughter surprise weekend. Take the money that you/she would spend on this event and go do something with just you two. Something frivolous, expensive (meaning more $ than you would usually spend, not over-the-top-fancy), fun, instagram-worthy. Tickets to a sporting event, buy her the new BB shoes, etc.

my humble opinion,
DD
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 6:11am
Thread
It's a tough situation, but as mom, all you can do is give her the best advice you can and know that she's got a good head on her shoulders. Ultimately, she's going to be exposed to these things in the real world and this is her chance to gain some experience in dealing with this sort of stuff while she's still with you and before she gets into the real world. These are decisions that she has to learn to make herself, with your guidance.

Realistically, no one wants to share their alcohol and drugs with someone that doesn't want them, unless they want to make fun of her or take advantage. If she resists the temptation to fit in, make sure she knows to watch what she drinks so no one slips things to her or refills a drink without her noticing.

You DO have control over letting her go to the sleepover. I would NOT let my daughter spend the night with parents that are obviously enabling poor behavior. The boys being present is just an added reason to not let her go. You have to trust the parents you entrust your child to. Never trust other people's teenagers.

Make sure that your daughter knows that she can call you for help at any point without fear of being punished for making a poor decision. Let her know that you are always there to bail her out of any situation, without judgement.

You got this. So does she.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974612 by LROSEM
Apr 26, 2019 6:46am
Thread
I have offered to be the one that says no. I have also said to go and if she doesn't want to come text me with a code word, and I will come get her. I have told her in life she will be around people that are doing things you don't want to and you just have to go with the flow. I know there will be some people that aren't partaking. There has to be....not every kid will be drinking? There has to be a few that wont?

She has watched enough crime shows to know to watch her drink, and maybe that's what scares her....I just cant get why she is so judge-y about teenagers drinking....not that I approve it, just acknowledging the fact that they are experimenting with it. She has tasted my wine and has hated it.

I actually did think of going to a spa or something. Problem is if we did that, she would still be miserable and wouldn't open up to me anyway...she would most likely be stalking insta and snapchat watching the events happening.

I know she will be exposed to these types of things when she goes to college...that's sort of why I want her to start now where she can still come home and talk, be safe, get away from before it starts happening in school where she has to live it 24/7.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974607 by thndrkttn
Apr 26, 2019 7:15am
Thread
It takes as much (or more) strength to stand up to your friends as it does your enemies.

The reason she can give for leaving the party early is 'because I want to'. My grownup self would like her to say 'because I don't like being around drunken idiots', but that's not "socially acceptable" or something...

I know peer pressure is never going away, no matter how 'enlightened' we think we are, but it's aggravating that this poor kid can't just be herself.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974615 by CookieCutter
Apr 26, 2019 7:27am
Thread
I know right!? That's what is happening...her friends know she doesn't do it, so they do it without her. She said she doesn't care if they do it, she just doesn't want to be around it. So she isn't. Therefore alone.
I Love the Outdoors
Board: Yakking It Up
Apr 26, 2019 8:34am
Thread
Here is a T-shirt you need to wear on your next letterbox outing.
Re: I Love the Outdoors
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974618 by Oberon_Kenobi
Apr 26, 2019 8:46am
Thread
Thanks for sharing that! Funny.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 10:40am
Thread
So, I am a nineteen-year-old girl, and I remember prom. I was in a group then uninvited because I was in regular classes in school and everyone else in the group was in the advanced classes. Whatever. On to college, I have been to a few smaller parties. It's easier when you know the people there rather than being in a crowd full of strangers. My boyfriend and I don't drink, neither one of us have any interest in it at all, so the first party I went to I said: "My mom would kill me if I drank." The response from everyone was "why are you listening to what your mom says, you're an adult and she's not here." The next time I went to the party when asked to drink, I said honestly, "Drinking doesn't interest me and I don't want to. I don't mind if you do." No one gave me a hard time about it!

I always thought I could use my mom as a scapegoat, and it doesn't work as well because you leave the impression that you want to do something and can't because you'd disappoint someone else. When you say you don't want to do something, you make it clear that it's your own choice and decision.

Go to the party, you will regret it if you don't, but just because you're there doesn't mean you have to follow the crowd. It's way more complicated thinking you're the only one not drinking than actually being there and being the only one not drinking. From my own experience, not drinking doesn't cost you friends. (Oof, a double negative, but it's true)
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974621 by AdventurousAcorn
Apr 26, 2019 11:30am
Thread
I think this is a great answer. I also think there is a vital lesson here (many, actually). One thing you addressed is the assumption she'll be the ONLY ONE uncomfortable or not drinking. Even if true, the better takeaway is "so what?" Also, her peers need to deal with being told no and see what it looks like for others to enforce boundaries. A great lesson for all. Holly sounds great. Enforcing boundaries is the ultimate affirmation of Self. This is also how you figure out the quality of your friendships.

Also, what the hell are these parents thinking. "We don't like it, but went along with it, . . ." because we forgot we are the adults in this relationship?

Mom still needs to say no. Let Holly communicate to her friends who she really is -- someone who doesn't enjoy parties like that and agrees with her mom.

For the record, she wants you to say no, or she wouldn't have shared this information with you. Just sayin'. It's better, as was rightly pointed out, that she learn to own her own &#!+.

As for regretting the party? So many worse things to regret. Prom has exactly the importance we give it. In five years, she won't care at all. She and her fiance will be putting a down payment on their first house while her friends are paying off their prom dresses, mani/pedi's and upsweeps.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974605 by Crazyolis
Apr 26, 2019 2:56pm
Thread
Oh, this should make you feel better. I just returned to my desk from a conversation with my school librarian who told me that a prom party for her son's friend doubled as a birthday party for their 18-year-old son, complete with a keg and hired stripper. And by "hired stripper," I mean the parents hired her. And supplied the keg. And the drinking age here is 21. And the parents are: a psychologist and high-ranking doctor. He runs a hospital or is in some leadership position. For now.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974629 by Wry Me
Apr 27, 2019 5:29am
Thread
OMG that is crazy...what do parents think? When I mentioned the prom party my son went to and the mom assured me there would be no drinking, she constantly pointed out that she is a reverend and her husband is a well respected ob-gyn. I didn't even see him at the before gathering and she didn't do any checking at all at the party.

So an update....Holly and GM went to dinner with the dates last night, so holly and Ashton could meet. She said he was nice and normal. Phew...she feels a little better about that. They went into the mall to walk around a little and ran into kailynn and some other girls. Kailynn said the party at her house wasn't going to happen, her mom found the stash of alcohol! Big surprise! Dylan, (one of the other girls) said she was going to ask her dad to buy her some. I don't know her dad, and will be very upset if he does.

So now holly has no idea where they are going after. She wants to go bowling, but everyone wants to go to a party. I am sure someone will throw one. I said, so you all are going to just listen at the dance and see who is having one then show up? She has no idea.

And she tells me she doesn't love the drinking, but can deal with it. What she hates more is the weed and the vaping. Again everyone does it. I keep saying really? She throws out there that when we were at kailynns house a few weeks ago for a bon fire, the girls were outside, parents were inside.....the girls decided to go get ice cream. (never mind the table full of desserts, I now know why they always leave when we are together) she was in the car with kailynn and Dylan and they both pulled out a vape. Offered it to holly and she said no. I said what did they say when you said no? Did they make fun of you or just go ok. She said they just said ok, cus they are her friends. She is afraid of what others will say. I asked if it was regular vape or pot. Because apparently you can vape pot? I have no idea how that works. She said it was regular. I said good, because if it were pot, I would tell her mom if she is driving around vaping pot. Specially with my kid in the car. Unless it comes up, I will not mention this. Holly is afraid I will tell the other moms and she will be even more on the outs.

I said find the other kids that don't drink. She said they are the freaks. I say get to know them, maybe they aren't that bad. After all, you have at least one thing in common. I got the eye roll on that one!

What really bugs me is when I texted michelle and asked her about the sleepover I mentioned alcohol and she said if she suspects it she will ask the person to leave. So she found it, and cancelled the party which is good. But I sort of feel like she should have a conversation with the parents and let them know its going on. Maybe to warn them that its going to happen and suggest that they pay a little more attention?

And I asked holly why she is so against it. I said usually when someone has such an aversion to something its cus they have had a bad experience. She said she hasn't . She said she just isn't interested, actually doesn't want to kill the brain cells she has, wants to have a future. AND she said it wasn't worth losing my trust! Yeah me! I admit, I got teary at that one!

So stay tuned....more to come as the day develops
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974663 by Wry Me
Apr 27, 2019 9:31am
Thread
We have middle schoolers vaping in the bathrooms at school.

Imagine an update of this song.
Re: Tax Time
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974015 by Oberon_Kenobi
Apr 27, 2019 9:46am
Thread
More news about tax software hiding their free options.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974667 by Oberon_Kenobi
Apr 27, 2019 4:12pm
Thread
So update, kailynn texted this morning and said the original group can still come to a party and stay over. Most of the girls and the few orginal boys. But bags must be kept upstairs. I said whats to stop them from going and getting anything once the parents go to bed. Holly said she still doesn't want to go, cus they will just put their vapes in their pockets.

So I told her to play it by ear and see how it goes. She still isn't feeling well, had a major headache all day. I said go and see how it is, if she wants to leave she can call us. I don't think she will be spending the night.

She is wondering if others are going to be turned away. She heard people at school talking about kailynns party. She is pretty sure no official announcement went out that the party was nixed!
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974680 by Crazyolis
Apr 28, 2019 8:50am
Thread
So final update...Holly went to the dance, and must be a really good faker. The pictures all look good, she looks happy in them. They called for a ride by 9:30 which was a little early. The prom itself was eh...I knew it would be, it was in a place that is absolutely beautiful, but once music starts, its so loud you can not hear a word. Its a big glass dome. Has all the pretty twinkling lights, but nothing to absorb any sound. Plus all they offered were drinks and cookies. for $45! I am a little irritated that it was that much, but that's a whole other story!

They stopped at Applebees for something to eat. Just her and GM and the 2 boys. Then the other three went to the party at Kailynns. I think the boys went, I honestly don't know. Holly came home, burst into tears, said she had a sucky time, her head is killing her and off to ER we went.

We had been to Urgent care in the morning because she woke up in the worst pain ever. Couldn't open her eyes to the light, just couldn't move. Urgent care gave her a dose of Toridol and Tylenol. Took the edge off a tiny bit, enough that she could at least face the cloudiness of the day. They said if it didn't get better, her other option was for ER and maybe a narcotic. But obviously couldn't do that before the prom.

So we went at midnight, spend the night with 2 bags off iv fluid, and some iv meds. Home at 7am, and she is still sleeping.

She said she was upset with GM because she kept hounding her to go to the party which is just what she didn't want to happen. She said she knew even if the alcohol got stopped by the bag check, they could put their vapes in their pockets. She just doesn't want to be around it.

So thank you for the advice....I can see we still have a lot of talking and working through things. She needs to figure out how to navigate this rough area called high school.

Oh and the former bestie...GB...she saw her there and GB looked right at her and rolled her eyes. Whatever I said, karma will get her.
Re: Prom Drama (long but I need advice)
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974701 by Crazyolis
Apr 29, 2019 1:21pm
Thread
Sounds like she made herself sick worrying about it. I'm glad you were there to help her through it all. She'll appreciate you more later in life. (I think she already does, but hindsight does wonders) Give her hugs from her letterboxing friends.
Happy Cake Day to UNNNNAAAAA
Board: Yakking It Up
May 1, 2019 6:04pm
Thread
My favorite
Re: Happy Cake Day to UNNNNAAAAA
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #974810 by PiggyJaunt
May 2, 2019 8:40am
Thread
THANK YOU!!!!! Had a great day too!!!
Michaels 50% Off Coupon TODAY
Board: Yakking It Up
May 8, 2019 8:35am
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Nipples
Board: Yakking It Up
May 10, 2019 4:12am
Thread
Now that I got your attention...
Today, in London, while giving a technical presentation to our training class, I accidentally set my nipples on fire.

Just wanted to leave you with that mental image. Carry on.
Re: Nipples
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #975083 by wassamatta u
May 10, 2019 4:33am
Thread
Wait...aren't you a programmer? In my 30 years of working for a computer company, I've never seen anyone set any body parts on fire, not even the hardware engineers who have to heat-test components! This doesn't sound like an accident to me...
Re: Nipples
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #975083 by wassamatta u
May 10, 2019 7:04am
Thread
Now that we are all awake........
Re: Nipples
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #975083 by wassamatta u
May 10, 2019 7:17am
Thread
Today, in London, while giving a technical presentation to our training class, I accidentally set my nipples on fire.

And that, folks, is why you should never carry your baby bottles to work.
Re: Nipples
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #975083 by wassamatta u
May 10, 2019 7:48am
Thread
Now that I got your attention...
Today, in London, while giving a technical presentation to our training class, I accidentally set my nipples on fire.

Should we do a search on youtube?
Re: Nipples
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #975099 by MissMoon
May 10, 2019 7:59am
Thread
Ouch; both of them; really? One I can see but two, hey what are
the odds?? Carry on; they will heal.........
Re: Nipples
Board: Yakking It Up
Reply to: #975086 by Rocklun
May 10, 2019 8:36am
Thread
In my 30 years of working for a computer company, I've never seen anyone set any body parts on fire, not even the hardware engineers who have to heat-test components!

Clearly you don't know wassa. He's....special.

TG