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This one made me think of Grrly Girl!
Board: Funny Pages
May 29, 2017 12:56pm
Thread
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain! She and her husband were estatic. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
Re: This one made me think of Grrly Girl!
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #946234 by Raven
May 30, 2017 2:56am
Thread
We were wondering why our mail looked like someone just threw it all over the yard.
Oh, and we named the baby Cliff.
Oh no, help!
Board: Funny Pages
May 31, 2017 3:43pm
Thread
My computer got the Miley virus and it's stopped twerking!!
Re: Oh no, help!
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #946327 by Raven
May 31, 2017 3:49pm
Thread
Yeah but I bet it still sticks its tongue out, huh?
:)
Re: Oh no, help!
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #946327 by Raven
Jun 1, 2017 9:53am
Thread
Did it hit you like a Wrecking Ball?! ;)
I think cocoa bean is a fruit, but who really cares!
Board: Funny Pages
Sep 8, 2017 9:58am
Thread
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.

Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Re: I think cocoa bean is a fruit, but who really cares!
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #951045 by Grrly Girl
Sep 8, 2017 11:17am
Thread
So, being American is what will kill us. Not what we eat or drink. (>.<)
Bad joke
Board: Funny Pages
Jun 28, 2018 11:07am
Thread
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain when he went to the dentist?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Re: Bad joke
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #961794 by Topcollector
Jun 28, 2018 12:41pm
Thread
Must be a slow day on the boards....
Re: Bad joke
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #961797 by JampersandJ
Jun 28, 2018 1:32pm
Thread
Must be a slow day on the boards....

Shhhh! We're trying not to encourage her.
Re: Bad joke
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #961794 by Topcollector
Jun 28, 2018 1:42pm
Thread
I'm stealing that. That's hilarious
Re: Bad joke
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #961801 by crosscresent
Jun 28, 2018 2:19pm
Thread
Heard it on the radio at lunch and had to share.
Re: Bad joke
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #961794 by Topcollector
Jun 28, 2018 7:46pm
Thread
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
Re: Bad joke
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #961794 by Topcollector
Jun 29, 2018 4:17pm
Thread
A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?” “Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”
Re: Bad joke
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #961842 by StasiaBoo
Jun 29, 2018 6:18pm
Thread
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Turn Me Over
Board: Funny Pages
Jan 26, 2019 1:40pm
Thread
Re: Turn Me Over
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #970689 by Oberon_Kenobi
Jan 27, 2019 6:58am
Thread
I love these 😂 I made one once that said “Thanks, that feels better.” On the back. Sadly, I left it in our old yard.
shamelessly stolen from FB
Board: Funny Pages
Feb 14, 2019 3:22pm
Thread
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me, and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank goodness, that's a relief!
My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anyway
Re: shamelessly stolen from FB
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #971460 by Grrly Girl
Feb 14, 2019 3:36pm
Thread
That made my day!
Words of wisdom
Board: Funny Pages
Feb 18, 2019 10:42pm
Thread
Good judgement comes from experience.

And experience? Well, comes from poor judgement.
Re: Words of wisdom
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #971757 by DarkZen and Evil Cow Pie
Feb 19, 2019 3:01am
Thread
Ahhhh; Confucius say.
Re: Words of wisdom
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #971757 by DarkZen and Evil Cow Pie
Feb 19, 2019 6:51am
Thread
Learn to be happy with yourself, then you can be happy with the world around you!
Re: Words of wisdom
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #971768 by jlsd0218
Feb 19, 2019 6:57am
Thread
That's a good one.
Re: Words of wisdom
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #971757 by DarkZen and Evil Cow Pie
Feb 19, 2019 11:41am
Thread
Good judgement comes from experience.

And experience? Well, comes from poor judgement.

I wondered why you had such good judgment.

Old Blue
Re: Words of wisdom
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #971791 by DoubleSaj and Old Blue
Feb 19, 2019 4:39pm
Thread
It’s so true. I’ve had plenty of practice working towards good judgement!

😄
St. Patrick's Day Smile
Board: Funny Pages
Mar 17, 2019 1:53am
Thread
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

Because real rocks are too heavy.
St. Patrick's Day Smile #2
Board: Funny Pages
Mar 17, 2019 1:55am
What happens if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?

You get a rash of good luck!
St. Patrick's Day Smile #3
Board: Funny Pages
Mar 17, 2019 1:59am
Thread
When is an Irish potato not an potato?

When it's a French fry.
Re: St. Patrick's Day Smile #3
Board: Funny Pages
Reply to: #972776 by Elle
Mar 17, 2019 6:47am
Thread
Thanks for the smiles😀😃😁
Tell us your favorite Irish Bull?
Board: Funny Pages
Mar 17, 2019 9:37am
If you drive by a field of steers and one of them is a bull, it is an Irish Bull.