Q: What has 36 feet and four teeth?
A: The front row of a Willie Nelson concert!

*applause* Thank you, thank you. If you have any other jokes, links to other funny websites, or whatever the case may be, post it here!

A man asked God "What is a million years to you?"

God answers "A million years is as a minute to me"

The man ponders this then asks "God, what is a million dollars to you?"

God replies "A million dollars is as a penny to me."

The man mull this over for bit then asks "God? May I please have a penny?"

God smiles and says "In a minute..."

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, what's wrong with me? I keep seeing talking dogs, talking ducks and talking mice.
The doctor says, "Don't worry, you're just having
Disney spells"

A pirate walks into a bar. As he sits down, the bartender notices he has a steering wheel sticking out of his fly.
The bartender says, "Excuse me, but do you know that you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate says, "Aye, matey, and it's driving me nuts"

I have a Honda Civic Hybrid. Does that say that I graduated a long time ago and now need a car that is easy to get into?

And if it does talk about me it probably says that I am a crazy person that takes a Honda on roads that a four wheeler shouldn't be on. (Anyone for fording rivers? in the N GA mountains? in the winter?) YEHAW!

A cannibal goes to a witch doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta help me. My stomach is killing me."
The witch doctor asks him what he had been eating.
And the cannibal answers, "missionaries"
"What type?"
"You know, the ones with the brown robes and funny hair cuts"
Then the doctor asked him how he had been cooking them.
"Well, I boil them in my big pot"
The doctor says, "There's your problem, they're not boilers,
...they're friars"

Geez, J&S, hybrid don't mean amphibicar !!

Cock o' the Trail

"Geez, J&S, hybrid don't mean amphibicar !!"

Yeah, that's what the Honda shop said as they were re-installing the front under-shield and washing the mud out of the innards.

Oh, well. I used to take a john boat (small metal boat) to the river in the back of a Chevette. I've always thought that small cars can go some amazing places if you aren't afraid to try.

It aint stuck till you have to get out and push. and 4 wheel drive only means thats 3 more to spin in the mud.

Boxdn

I got this out of a really cool Rag Mag - published out of FL, called "The Turnip Green"
- Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers
- If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
- Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
- Men are the same - they just have different faces so we can tell them apart
- Women don't make fun of men - most of them are the do it yourself types.
- Love is blind - but marraige is a real eye opener
- If you want a commited man - look in a mental hospital
- The children of Irael wandered the desert for 40 years - Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions
- Sadly, all men are created equal...

A little campfire humor in light of our first camping trip of 2005. (I think I have covered at least half of the steps below).

15 Steps to Build a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand.)
6. Light Match
7. Light Another Match
8. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
9. Apply burn ointment to nose.
10. While fire is burning, collect more wood.
11. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for
more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
12. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
13. Re-label can to read "gasoline."
14. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
15. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps

Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.
Order: Huh?
Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
Truth: My opposite is not here.
Good: Is your opposite "Lies"?
Truth: My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
Evil: *snicker* Figures!
Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
Good: I have the cards.
Evil: I've got the chips.
Truth: I have the beer.
Chaos: I have the cards!
Order: Shut up.

...

Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Truth: Five.
Order: Five and raise you five.
Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
Order: I like ten better.
Evil: *sigh* Call.
Chaos: I fold.
Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!
Chaos: I still fold.
Good: OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?
Truth: I will keep the cards I have.
Order: I will take two.
Evil: Why?!?
Order: I didn't like those.
Evil: None for me.
Chaos: I'll take six.
Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
Evil: Oh, just get this over with.
Order: But now we have to bet!
Evil: Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards. I have five aces.
Order: I have five ace of spades.
Chaos: I have a three.
Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Good: Where did you get that card?
Truth: He stole it from Chaos.
Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
Good: That was a stupid game.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Chaos: Whee!
all but Chaos: *groan*
Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
Order: I fold...

Once there was a group of hikers climbing Mt. Everest. The group leader gave the rest of the group some very important advice. "If by chance you see the Yeti, run, but whatever you do, Don't Touch The Yeti!!"
That night, after the group had set up camp, one member was in his tent, when the great Yeti came. The Yeti was standing in the doorway. The guy was so scared, he shot out running, but on his way, he touched the Yeti. The Yeti started running after him. The guy was running as fast as he could. He got off the mountain, but the Yeti was still following. He rented a bike and cycled all the way to the nearest city. Later, the man saw the Yeti coming. The guy caught a train and headed out of the city as fast as he could.
A couple days later, he saw the Yeti coming. The guy at once, got on a plane to America. A few weeks later, he sees the Yeti coming his way. The guy starts running as fast as he could, but he was too exhausted. He trips and falls. The Yeti comes up to the man. The guy gets up to his feet and says, "What do you want?!"
The Yeti reaches out to him and says, "Tag, you're it."

<Picard> Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

<Geordi> Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late twentieth-century computing technology.

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>

<Riker looks puzzled.> What the hell is 'Microsoft'?

<Data turns to answer.> Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

<Picard> But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

<Data> Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operation function.

<Picard> Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'.

<Geordi> Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indicatin of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase.

<Picard> Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

<Data> Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

<Riker> Captian, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F. . .

<Geordi, excited> Wait, Captain! I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!

<Picard> Data, what does your scanners show?

<Data> Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity.

<Picard> Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality.

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?

<Geordi> As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.

<Picard> How much time will that buy us?

<Data> Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

<Geordi> Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

<Picard> Identify.

<Data> It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo.

<Over the speakers> THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS.

<Data> The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

<Picard> Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft.

<Riker> Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

<Data> I don't believe that those are humans sir. If you will look closer I believe you will se that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

<Ricker and Picard together horrified> Lawyers!!

<Geordi> It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

<Data> True, but appearently some must have survived.

<Riker> They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

<Data> I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal.

<Riker> They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

<Picard> Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that.

Wow, this would be right up there with the episode where Picard was kidnapped. This is the best of both worlds.

-Too funny, as a closet Trekkie (or Trekker, depending on your level of obsessiveness :) I salute you.

Cadenza
-who is rolling on the floor laughing.

Very funny.
Part of me would like to say that I did not enjoy or even understand what is written on this page. The Trekkie humor was completely lost on me as I pay no attention to such sci-fi nonsense.
Unfortunately (or fortunately-- depending on your view), I fall into the Trekkie category and not only enjoyed it but passed it on to friends.

Wow! Not only was I reared on Star Trek, I've been having Microsoft-related computer trouble all week. The half of my lab that has switched to Linux is rolling on the ground while the other half is trying not to let us see their smiles...

A couple of airplane mechanics and drinking buddies are in the hanger at Newark, where the runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.
John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah", says Bill, "But I hear that you can drink jet fuel; that it will give you a real buzz." So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful time as only drinking buddies can. Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is pleasantly suprised that he has no hangover at all. The phone rings with Bill asking how he feels.
"I feel great!" says John. "No hangover!"
"Me neither," says Bill.
That jet fuel is great stuff and no hangover," says John. "We ought to do this more often." "Yeah," says Bill. "but one thing. Did you fart yet?"
"No, why?"
"Because I'm in Phoenix"

For those of you who don't know it, I spent four years working at "The Hut." During that time, I wrote a number of Pizza Hut Pampletes as gags. Oh, the fun I had. I poked fun at everything. The script we had to read when answering the phone, the management, the corporation--you name it, I probably made fun of it. Some of the pamphlets, I knew, would be taken down as soon as my boss caught wind of it, so I'd secretly put it up immediately when I knew he was leaving for a couple of days. I even disguised it by putting on a Pizza Hut logo so it blended in with all of the other (i.e. official) Pizza Hut pamphlets that were pinned up to the board.

Anyhow.... I was just revisiting some of the old pamplets and thought I'd share the first one here. Many of these are inside jokes that you might not get, but I'll try to explain those! Without further ado....

*******

The Jokes — Part 1
(I put "Part I" to make it sound like more jokes were on the way. I never inteded to write a Part 2. I did write other Pizza Hut pamplets, and while many were very funny, they were not simply a list of stupid jokes!)

After much research and thought, I have compiled a list of Pizza Hut jokes which fit well in the modern era but those which will never grow out of date to be passed from one generation of Pizza Hut workers to the next.

(Some of these questions were designed to be out of date almost immediately after being created, despite my claims!)

Q. If a bigfoot could eat pizza,
If a bigfoot would eat pizza,
How much pizza would a bigfoot eat,
If a bigfoot could eat pizza?
A. Three!
(The answer isn't important so much as the fact that the bigfoot pizza was discontinued shortly after I created these questions.)

Q. How many breadsticks does it take to make a dozen?
A. Twelve!
(The joke that never was....)

Q. What do you get when you cross two breadsticks?
A. More breadsticks!
(Some sexual jokes in the workplace--what was I thinking?!)

Q. What did the pizza say to the cheese?
A. Cover me — I’m going in the oven!
(Actually kind of a clever joke--I even smirk when I read it now. *smirk*)

Q. What did the thin pepperoni say to the thick pepperoni?
A. Gaining a little weight?
(This is another out-of-date joke almost as soon as I made it. Pizza Hut used to have two different pepperoni with different thicknesses. It's now a one-thickness only pepperoni joint.)

Q. What’s the difference between Pepsi and Coke?
A. Coke is a four letter word!
Back in the day, Pizza Hut was owned by Pepsi and there was actually a policy in our policy manual that forbid employees from bringing in a Coca-Cola label that (*gasp!*) might be seen by others--including other employees. Employees that brought a can of Coke, for instance, we're required to throw it away before they could start work. Later Pizza Hut was spun off--with Taco Bell and KFC--into a separate company. But you'll still find probably 95% of all Pizza Huts still serving Pepsi for that reason.)

Q. What did the plate say to the fat lady?
A. I’m in for it now!
(A crude, tasteless joke, really.)

Q. If a pound of cheese leaves Pizza Hut traveling at 10 mph due south in adverse weather conditions, how long will it take a shift manager to notice?
A. I don’t know, but it’s sure a great start to a riddle!
(We always loved to harrass the management. This was before I became a shift manager myself, however!)

Q. What weighs more: A pound of cheese or a pound of breadsticks?
A. The breadsticks! (Caught you on that one, didn’t I?)
(This is meant to confuse you--don't think too hard on it!)

Q. If a customer complains about a fly in his pizza, what should you do?
A. Explain that due to inactive neurons from too many carrots being in the vicinity, he’s imagining it.
(Again, this is just meant to confuse you.)

Q.In Monopoly, the rent for an undeveloped Boardwalk is $50. How much would rent be if you built a Pizza Hut on it?
A.Umm, well, nevermind.
(I figured pretending not to want to answer would be funnier than actually answering the question!)

Q. Who in the world would be lame enough to write all these Pizza Hut jokes?
A. Must you really ask? He’s Somewhere around here....
(For this first pamplete, I put it up "anonymously." I didn't actually care if anyone knew it was me who put it up, though, so this is actually a clue to help my boss figure it out. My handle on a local BBS was Somewhere, and that capital S should have clued both my boss and a certain shift manager who knew about my handle of my real identity. Only my boss figured it out. The shift manager was so clueless he couldn't find his own shoes when he was wearing them. *rolling eyes*)

****

And that's it.

-- Ryan

I used to draw cartoons when things were slow at my old job.

I wish I could find them now

But some of them were pretty popular. Even the management looked forward to them
*smirk*
Some managers even gave me suggestions for my next installment <big eye roll>
Do you have to turn in your sense of humor when you get that position?

S~N~K

Quote

Do you have to turn in your sense of humor when you get that position?

Oh, no, I kept writing pamphlets long after I became a shift manager. =)

-- Ryan

I found this little interesting tid-bit in last week's New Times here in SLO. =)

***************

Randy Way cast the only vote in a referendum on whether to approve a plan by the village of Oregon, Wis., to annex 80 acres from the town of Oregon. The measure passed. Way is the only person living in the annexed area and cast his ballot after filing a petition, which only he was eligible to sign, asking for the referendum. Although Way was the only eligible voter, Town Clerk Denise Austin printed two ballots "just in case he read it wrong and made a mistake." Way voted 17 minutes after the polls opened, but three paid poll workers remained on duty for 13 hours because town officials couldn't find any provision in state law allowing them to close early.

That is too funny. It reminds me of the election held in a small town near here last year that was an exact tie between mayoral candidates. Nobody realized until it tied that the law stated that a tie vote would be decided by the flip of a coin. I find it hilarious that the provisions of the law were like that and a town's fate came down to a coin toss. Luckily, both of the candidates were good natured about it and accepted the results.

I thought being a poll worker during a primary with only 140 voters was dull.

>Way voted 17 minutes after the polls opened, but three paid poll workers remained on duty for 13 hours because town officials couldn't find any provision in state law allowing them to close early.<

In the August issue of Backpacker, they have "The Unofficial, Unabridged, Slick-talking, Fast-walking Hiker's Glossary"

For geocaching (v): The unfortunate result of owning a GPS and having nowhere to go

Hahaha! I thought that was pretty humorous. =)

There are some other really funny entries, but none really related to letterboxing, per se.

Oh, wait, here's a couple of more that could apply to letterboxing:

Declination (n): The transitional state between precisely knowing one's location and being utterly, hopelessly lost. Usually the result of declining, once too often, to consult the compass.

Three-hour tour (n): A dayhike that looks all too easy at the trailhead until, well, the weather started getting rough, and the tiny ship was...anyway, you get the picture.

Topo (n): Seriously, if you need this defined, you picked up the wrong magazine. Did you mean to pull out that copy of Better Homes & Gardens?

REI (v): Return Every Item

Turtling (v): To fall backwards onto one's backpack at an angle that makes it exceedingly difficult to right oneself. Always funny when it happens to someone else.

Gore-Tex (n): Popular waterprootf/breathable material made with a micro-thin membrane of pure gold.

Okay, that's it. If you want the whole list, you'll have to pick up a copy of Backpacker yourself. ;o)

-- Ryan

Turtling (v): To fall backwards onto one's backpack at an angle that makes it exceedingly difficult to right oneself. Always funny when it happens to someone else.


Um, so is that where the trail name comes from?

DB

Quote

Um, so is that where the trail name comes from?

Well, no.... However, I will fess to having that happen to me once on the AT. I had to take off and extract myself from my pack to get back up! =) It seemed strangely appropriate at the time, and because nobody was around to see it, I could laugh at the incident instead of hang my head in embarrassment. =)

-- Ryan