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Read Thread: JennieGee-the black hole returns

JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Dec 1, 2009 6:38am
Thread (disabled) Board
Hey every one,

I know I have let a lot of people I consider really good friends down this summer/fall and I am literally ill about it.

I want to explain about what I have been going through health wise and what my plans for all the rings and singles I have.

You have all known I have a bad hip and leg that causes me with great pain sometimes and that I am on constant heavy painkillers to keep that under control. Now if that was my only issue during this past period of time there would have been no problems as I have traded easily and on time with that issue frequently. However, at the beginning of the summer/ perhaps late spring I ended up in the hospital as I spiraled out of control to the extreme and I had a bunch of other symptoms that landed me in ICU for a chunk of my stay due mainly to breathing/aspiration issues. (the good news is I hardly remember any of that part). While I was in the hospital they asked me to speak to the one and only psychiatrist during this time as I have always had panic and anxiety issues but they got much worse after the ICU stay.

She diagnosed me with extreme anxiety disorder. This consists of panic attacks and some days the inability to deal with ANYTHING. I become literally frozen, unable to do or decide what to do , so I end up doing nothing as that is all I am capable. A lot of times this summer I was so frozen I couldn't leave my bedroom and was unable to talk to anyone in person or on the net. This disorder is slowly getting better with an anti-depressant that is also designed to help with aniity. We have been increasing mu dosage slowly each month and by Jan. I should be at the maximum dosage that we have been aiming for. We will then start decreasing very slowly as I currently take 30 mg of Valium 5 times a day (anyone who knows about this drug probably has their eyes popping out their heads right now as that is an Extremely high dose and most people would be dead if they took that dose while I don't even fall asleep {I have been on it for a year at this dose.}

I have been unable to respond to people who have attempted to get ahold of me due to being paralyzed by the whole situation. Like I mentioned I an starting to improve on this drug which is why I able to write this letter now.

I know that there will be some people who have never experienced the mental issues I have been happening and won't be able to understand why I just didn't get my s&%T together and just send the stuff out. An anxiety disorder, esp. an extreme one like I have just can't be explained. Usually it is something you understand as either you or a loved one who has suffered from it. I wish there was a better way to help you understand how debilitating this disorder into words but I don't want to do it. I have managed to get a very small pension to from the Canada Pension Plan for being disabled but it is well under $1000 a month so it helps with our finances.

It is very embarrassing and frankly humiliating to have to tell people about my mental illness on top of my physical one but it is very important you understand why I have been gone. It's mot that I don't care, in fact I think of those packages every day.

Obviously they need to be sent out and I an going to chip away at them over the next couple weeks (we are moving Jan. 1 and it is my goal not to take any of them with me as they have all been sent). They won't be in the order that the swaps were set up in, I am going to choose a bag after each mailing, one that doesn't make me feel over whelmed and I think I should be able to get them all out this month.

I just have 2 more important things to day which is why they are in all capitals:

1) WHILE I DO HAVE SOME OF THE CARDS MADE A FEW OTHERS i WILL HAVE TO WHIP UP.THEE PROBLEM IS THE DOCTOR DOESN'T WANT ME CARVING FOR WHAT 'COULD' BE ANOTHER 6 MONTHS(MY HIP AND LEG PROBLEM ARE ON THE LEFT AND SO IS MY CARVING HAND AND HE WANTS ME TO REST THAT WHOLE SIZE) SO FOR THOSE i WILL HAVE TO MAKE ATC'S AND NOT LTC'S FOR. I WILL TRY TO USE SOME OF MY OLDER STAMPS BUT THERE IS NO GUARANTEE THAT THERE WON'T BE MUCH IN THE WAY OF STAMPS ON THE CARDS OTHER THAN MY SIG. STAMP. I DO HAVE LOTS OF COOL PAPER AND ACCESSORIES SO THEY SHOULD BE NICE CARD.

20 THE OTHER THING, AND POSSIBLY MORE IMPORTANT IS THAT i DELETED ALL NEW MAIL IN MY ACCOUNT AS THERE WERE 17 PAGES OF UNREAD LETTER. IF YOU HAVE CONTACTED ME AND YOU DIDN'T GET A RESPONSE FROM ME AND THE MESSAGE IS STILL RELEVANT THEN PLEASE MESSAGE ME AGAIN AND i WILL BE ABLE TO GET BACK TO YOU RATHER THAN ME BE IN THE MIDDLE OF 17 PAGES TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH OF ANY MESSAGES AREN'T SO OLD THEY DON'T MATTER ANY MORE.

It is very important to me to get these sent out and show that I will never ever become a real black hole and will always send things out, just in this case not when I wanted to.

Thank you all my AtlasQuest Friends and once this is all squared away I will still be welcomed into swaps, although I plan not to make very many commitments at the same time to keep from something like this to occur again. I would also like to than Sue (you know who you are) for trying to help me as much as she could although I was really wasn't in a position mentally to really get back to here much.

I am also going to post this on my blog so those of you who may not catch it in this forum posting and feel free to share the info with others.

I love you all!
JennieGee
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467468 by JennieGee
Dec 1, 2009 7:17am
Thread (disabled) Board
I know that took a lot of courage to publically discuss. Hugs to you and if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

dancing pecan
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467468 by JennieGee
Dec 1, 2009 7:46am
Thread (disabled) Board
JennieGee,
I'm so glad you worked up the courage to just let everyone know what you are dealing with. It must be a great relief to not have to avoid AQ and keep the secret.

I think mental issues are so difficult to deal with and greatly misunderstood. I feel for you going through this, and hope that soon everything will be back to normal for you and your family.

I echo dancingpecan - if there is anything I can do to help you (sort swaps, mail, carve), just let me know. I would be more than happy to give you a hand, if that would help you. I am positive that, if you desired, you could just put everything in a big box and mail it to a responsible boxer (that you trust) for them to take care of - really. No one would think bad of you - I promise. :-) Then you could be out from under this burden and have a fresh start.

I think you are wise in not making a lot of new commitments, even though starting swaps and seeing people get excited is kind of addicting. It may take a bit for you to rebuild your reputation again, but I'm sure with time and fulfilled commitments under your belt, it will happen.

~SHH :-)
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467482 by dancingpecan
Dec 1, 2009 7:50am
Thread (disabled) Board
I'm glad you're starting to see some light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Thank you for having the courage to let us know what's been going on.

If it will help, I'd be happy to sort-and-send cards you have, or pass on postals. If you want to, box up a pile and ship it my way. I have little to do of an evening and it would give me something to do.
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467468 by JennieGee
Dec 1, 2009 8:01am
Thread (disabled) Board
I'm so sorry you've had such horrendous issues to deal with, JennieGee. I agree that it took a lot of courage to explain it all.

Sounds like there are a lot of us that are more than willing to help you in any way we can.

I'm so glad you're on the upswing.

Padawan (fka Triple T) :o)
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467468 by JennieGee
Dec 1, 2009 8:17am
Thread (disabled) Board
Jennie Gee,
I was JUST thinking about you yesterday, wondering how you were doing and now a post from you today !

Bottom line.... it doesn't matter if any of us understand what's up with you or not... you're our friend and we care about you !! The getting caught up on those cards and packages isn't a priority.... The health and well being of our friend IS !!

We're so glad to hear that it sounds like you're "on the mend" both physically and emotionally.

BIG love and support HUGS
Your friends down in NC,
Dina B. & Charlie
The Seekers 1108
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467468 by JennieGee
Dec 1, 2009 8:38am
Thread (disabled) Board
I too have suffered from panic/anxiety attacks in the past and they are quite difficult to accurately articulate to those who have never had them. When I was first diagnosed about 10 years ago, it was extreme. It was so extreme that for a period of about 1 year, I began exibiting signs of agoraphobia, which can happen with this disorder. Thanfully, I went from seeing a terrible doctor, to an awesome physicians assistant who got me on the right meds. In my case, I have been very lucky as this disorder seems to have gotten much better over the years and I no longer need to take medication. On the rare occasion that I have an attack these days, I can usually control it by drinking a large glass of water and a mild form of meditation. If anybody who has never had a panic or anxiety attack is reading this, let me tell you first hand it can be VERY paralyzing and an extreme case really can over take your life.

JennieGee, I hope your case works out as well as mine did. It just took lots of time, which totally sucks; but, there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467507 by Sharkboy and Lavagirl
Dec 1, 2009 8:55am
Thread (disabled) Board
When I first started reading the posts about rescuing goodies from your black hole, I honestly wondered if it was something like this. It's one thing to make ATC's and share them online, and a whole OTHER world to go all the way to the post office and face total strangers. I have a dear, beloved friend who says that she trusts me as one of the most stable people in her life....but there are days when she can't even answer a phone call from me. She'll see my name come up on the phone and ask her husband to please call me back. She just....can't......pick it up.

For those who truly suffer from a disorder like this, it leaves them in a world that's foreign to everyone around them. Many people just don't have the personal experience to understand. I do, and because of my dear friend I understand how difficult it is to explain this to thousands of people who you really don't know. We're all your friends, but we aren't intimates in that we're folks who share your daily life at home. Exposing your difficulty like that takes a tremendous amount of courage.

I applaud your fight to find more normalcy in your life. Everyone here will try to understand as well. My best suggestion is to allow those who care about you to help-- reward their patience and understanding by allowing them to help you get everyone moving again. You'll have to show that you in turn understand by not taking on more than your barriers will let you follow through with for awhile. You can do it though, just like my friend has, by setting daily and weekly goals for herself. One week it might simply be to answer the phone when I call...and that's good enough for me. Show everyone here that you're willing to follow through to the best of your ability from here forward, and they will reward you with trust again. :-)

GreyCrazy
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467515 by GreyCrazy
Dec 1, 2009 9:04am
Thread (disabled) Board
I'm very sorry to hear of your difficulties.
I too suffered from a form of this at a point in my life. I am mostly recovered other than the telephone. Just as GreyCrazy was talking about, I still don't always take phone calls and I rarely make calls. It seems like such a strange thing. My ear was attached to the phone when I was a teenager. The things is, it's just something I can't seem to do. I can E-mail and text and post...thank god! :) And I too have a wonderful husband who will call for me! However, it's a very hard thing for people to understand. I have actually lost friends over the issue. (Grey Crazy- your friend is lucky to have you!!)
It's a long road to recover and find stability with such a condition. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you know you are amongst a wonderful community. I know all of us are willing to help with whatever you are comfortable with!
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467468 by JennieGee
Dec 1, 2009 11:14am
Thread (disabled) Board
Yep. Fear, anxiey, and doubt. I've been there. Meds help. So does exercise. So does small goals accomplished.

If you have a box of stuff that needs to be sorted and mailed, I strongly encourage you to take up someone's kind offer to take it all and sort it for you. Accept the help offered to clear your deck. Dump it all in one box, no questions asked, no guilt, ... just relief and some gratitude. A couple years ago I did that for someone else. I enjoyed doing it, and I am sure she was relieved to have it taken care of. Actually it was great fun to get to see all the stamps.

Last year I politely dropped from all but one swap, to clear my decks. I am only now emerging from a hole I dug myself into. "Look! There's air and light up there."
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467586 by Scarab
Dec 1, 2009 11:37am
Thread (disabled) Board
Aw geez, thanks, but I consider it the other way around. I'm very lucky to have HER in my life. :-)

GreyCrazy
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467468 by JennieGee
Dec 1, 2009 2:53pm
Thread (disabled) Board
If you have a box of stuff that needs to be sorted and mailed, I strongly encourage you to take up someone's kind offer to take it all and sort it for you. Accept the help offered to clear your deck. Dump it all in one box, no questions asked, no guilt

I'm willing to help. Maybe stuff can be put in several boxes and sent to a few who will get them sorted and out. Like a few LTC rings can go to some people and they can sort them and get them sent, postals can be done the same way. Just to get the majority of the work off your list.
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467655 by Raven
Dec 1, 2009 7:04pm
Thread (disabled) Board
Glad you found the courage within yourself JennieGee!

I'm willing to help, as well!
~Nite Momith
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467468 by JennieGee
Dec 2, 2009 11:35am
Thread (disabled) Board
My mom suffered from debilitating panic attacks for 20 years until she found the right meds. So my sympathy is with you. Also I commend you for your bravery in talking about it. There is something about this kind of illness that makes it particularly difficult to speak of.

Everything you are able to do now most likely gives you more courage which I know from my Mom is a wonderful thing to experience. Just don't over do it, and moving is very stressful so do take care of yourself first. Accept all the help you can, don't forget that the people who love to help need an outlet, and you'd be doing them a favour.

It's so good to hear you are on the mend.

Ulster Fry
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467734 by Nite Momith
Dec 2, 2009 12:46pm
Thread (disabled) Board
Me, too, JennieGee! Send me a box full, and I'd be happier than a clam to distribute it all out to happy homes. :)

-Cat Eyes
402 N. Waugh Road
Mount Vernon, WA 98273
Re: JennieGee-the black hole returns
Board: LTC: Trades and Trackers
Reply to: #467468 by JennieGee
Dec 30, 2009 11:59am
Thread (disabled) Board
Praying for your recovery, JennieGee, on all fronts.
May 2010 be a year of blessings in your new home.

Sincerely,

Hansenclan
(So. Calif.)