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Read Thread: Wrong impressions...

Wrong impressions...
Board: Off Topic, Wildly
Jul 16, 2017 4:02pm
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What would you do if a family member learned that you shopped generally at Target (What's wrong with Target???) due to budget concerns...and then at a large family gathering said they'd NEVER shop at a large local department store because you shopped there (I bought gifts and got a gift receipt in case they didn't like it) and therefore it's very, very tacky...

They went on to describe what sounded like a rat infested warehouse with bugs and piles of grungy clothes they were afraid might move on their own. Then clarified that they were always impressed that in the midst of such grossness I always find the one nice item I'm looking for. No idea where this came from other than I'm on a budget; and they equate Target with Walmart...but even walmart is better than what was described.

I did try to clarify at the time, and was talked over. And everyone assured me that they still love me. But I'm kind of humiliated. Any attempt to bring it up with the person leads to how they don't judge. (Um...)
Re: Wrong impressions...
Board: Off Topic, Wildly
Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 16, 2017 5:35pm
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Sometimes the best advice is to forgive and forget.

And, "We named the dog Indiana." ;-)
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 16, 2017 6:12pm
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How rude. I personally can't stand Target because ours was awful until they re-did it, and for some reason my boss always gets me a Target card for Christmas. I always get clothes with gift cards because I can't afford them usually, but there's nothing at Target unless you're a teenager--or someone way younger than 62. I have the same problem at Walmart. They are great for buying householding items, but that's not really exciting to use a gift card for.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 16, 2017 7:00pm
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this infuriates me to no end because it has been done to us also....

Just want to use them for a punching bag
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 16, 2017 7:36pm
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Who cares where you shop? And family is judging?!? Just wow. To be publically humiliated like that is awful, and they are the tacky one by far. The fact that nobody sees that is upsetting. I am so sorry. Do they live in Boca Raton or Brentwood? Cuz I hate to break it to them but there's a Target there too. I believe there's also a Goodwill, so...
I shop at Walmart and sometimes Target because that's all there is where I live, if I could afford it I'd prefer to put my money into small/local business. When I get out to a normal city I hit up the Whole Foods, Fresh Market, and Trader Joes for novelty. But where are you supposed to go for other stuff, Sacks/Nordstrom? Even those places have an outlet store. AND are chain department stores. I just don't really get it. Don't let me get into shopping at the Commisary or Exchange if I get the chance. I'm not too proud to pay actual price for things (or less) and without tax ;)
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 16, 2017 8:03pm
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Never mind that where you shop is your own buissiness...these people obviously dont see the important thing....you loved them enough to get them a gift. its probably time to stop shopping for them. They obviously dont love you enough to keep from humiliating you. How selfish of them! Wow! i am so sorry you had to go thru that. it sounds like you have had a rude awakening and should be grateful that you dont need to buy them any thing any more and....you just made your budget work even better! My heart goes out to you. be proud that you can stay on a budget. most people have a lot of trouble sticking to one.
Re: Wrong impressions...
Board: Off Topic, Wildly
Reply to: #948526 by Raven
Jul 16, 2017 8:09pm
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I think it's the part where they are trying to be supportive that is upsetting me the most. I feel like everyone is taking a forced bright cheery tone with me since this happened; and dropping hints about couponing or not being ashamed of shopping at thrift stores (And while I wouldn't necessarily be ashamed of shopping at thrift stores, I'm not. There's just an implication that I am and that it's something to be pitied which is just really hard to grasp.) And if someone says "I'm not judging" then it often means they ARE judging. It just makes it almost impossible to defend yourself.

I'm living within my means. Which I'm not ashamed of. But I'm ashamed of what they now think that means. If that makes any sense.

And it's family; whom I love. Which also makes it hard because I can't avoid them forever. But I can't figure out a way to address it other than live with it. Argh.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 16, 2017 8:52pm
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This sounds like it was their problem not your problem. Who does that? The vase wasn't tacky. They were.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 16, 2017 9:37pm
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The simple solution is to stop buying for them.

Shiloh
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 16, 2017 9:39pm
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When someone gives you a gift, the polite response is to say "thank you." I'm sorry that you've had to deal with such boorish behavior, which must be even worse from family members.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948532 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 17, 2017 3:32am
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You know if you skip the gift altogether next time it would be a kindness, as you would be sparing them the discomfort of feeling sorry for and superior to you. Then you could spend the money doing something fun with someone capable of gratitude.

Sticking to a budget shows discipline, common sense and good priorities, regardless of your income level. That is admirable and hardly something to be ashamed of.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948544 by Wry Me
Jul 17, 2017 3:40am
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I've gotten to the point of making donations to charities as gifts to almost all relatives.
I was getting gifts of things I didn't want and wouldn't ever use.
I never say how much I donated.
Some donations are $10.00 some are much more.

I just say, with a card, "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas" and that I made a donation to (fill in the blank).

I try to make it something they care about.
An animal shelter, Salvation Army, their local food shelf is always a good choice if I have no idea what they care about.
Don't forget to add a note to the charity saying to keep your name off of their mailing list, or you'll be inundated with more solicitations.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 17, 2017 5:17am
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I don't know you or your family member who acted this way - but as a complete outsider to the situation, I would say that your family member sounds like a judgmental B$*ch!! Wow - who the heck cares where people shop? And why would anyone be ashamed to say they got a bargain? I'm proud of myself if I feel like I got a bargain. Shouldn't someone be more ashamed to admit that they overspent just for the sake of being pretentious? I'd much rather admit to a great deal on all my groceries at Aldi's than show off the five items I could buy with the same cash at Whole Foods.
You go on shopping wherever you want! And I don't consider Target "slummin it" - sure I love Anne Taylor or Banana Republic for work clothes, but I just don't want to spend that much money on clothes most of the time. Sometimes all I want are basics or cute casual shirts, and I want a good price on them, and Target or Old Navy are awesome for that. Wegmans is the major chain grocery store by me, and while I can usually get everything I need there, it can be pretty pricey at times. So, I usually go to Aldi's first to get what I can, then I go to Wegmans if there were things on my list that I couldn't get at Aldi's. I'm not a "crazy couponer", I make a good living and so does my husband... saving money on shopping isn't something to feel embarrassed about, it is just good sense. Good job on being financially responsible.
Along that line, have you every tried the Ibotta app? It's a way to apply coupons to your groceries indirectly. It's not a huge amount, but every few months I get like $20 bucks back. I also always check the Target cartwheel app before I go to the store and again when I check out. The other thing I do a lot when I am looking for household items or gifts -if I find an item I want/need at the store, I check the price on the amazon app before buying. With free prime shipping, you can still get it quickly, so it's an easy way to price check. Also, lately Amazon has been giving incentive for people not to use prime shipping. Look when you check out, but often when I check out, it says something like "choose 5 day shipping and get a $5 credit toward amazon pantry." So that's a no brainer if I don't need the item before 5 days. Oh, gosh I could go on and on, and look - no shame in my money saving ways.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 17, 2017 6:36am
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That was extremely rude! I like the charity donation idea above - especially for them. And I don't care what your income level, there is nothing wrong with shopping at Target. It's a store, tell them to get over themselves. Sheesh.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948532 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 17, 2017 10:46am
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Don't sweat it, it's not even worth worrying about. There are so many actual awful things going on in life, and it's on them NOT you.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 17, 2017 2:31pm
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As has already been suggested......

I would cross them off the list! If they want to complain about receiving a gift, I would never get them anything EVER again.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948545 by Grrly Girl
Jul 17, 2017 10:11pm
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I've gotten to the point of making donations to charities as gifts to almost all relatives.

\I agree that is thoughtful if the person is into that. I'm still in it for the loot, myself, but my parents are older and have everything they possibly need and then some, so I do that for them at Christmas. Even though their charity of choice makes my wince, it's very meaningful for them, and it doesn't clutter their house with things they have to dust and pretend to cherish.

Wry Me
wondering if it's wrong to think "Will anyone want to inherit this?" is a gift-giving guideline.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948530 by Sea Maid
Jul 19, 2017 1:26pm
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Thank you everyone for your responses.
I'm still sorting through all the layers of this incident (and it's aftermath; I've had some odd comments and then I remember the commenter was there when this whole incident happened)

I do want to clarify that this person spun it in an almost positive light; they just stated that they couldn't stand the type of stores I frequent; then talked about how amazing that I find nice stuff there when all they can see are the bugs...I've made myself crazy trying to figure out what they are thinking of!!! But, writing it all out and reading your kind words is helping me to move through it.

Family is very important to me; but obviously they've put a picture into their heads (and now it's in more heads) of a lifestyle that I don't live regardless of validity. I am proud of our ability to keep our heads above water, if just barely. I'm still not sure what the next step is but I'm feeling better about just being me and letting them interpret what they will. I'll be a black sheep...exotic and misunderstood. :P And maybe find another tribe of black sheep to spend more of my time with so I don't internalize the bad attitudes.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948789 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 19, 2017 2:25pm
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My husband has reminded me time and again that our letterboxung family has treated us way better than our blood relatives have on more than one occasion!

Just know you have found your black sheep tribe here with us!

Hugs to you!

Gg
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948795 by Goofy girl
Jul 19, 2017 4:11pm
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our letterboxung family has treated us way better than our blood relatives have

Except on the rare occasion when (unspecified letterboxers) accidentally set your kids on fire...
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948789 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 19, 2017 9:36pm
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I'll be a black sheep...exotic and misunderstood. :P And maybe find another tribe of black sheep to spend more of my time with

Sounds like a carve to do.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948800 by wassamatta u
Jul 20, 2017 8:34pm
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Even then you have treated us better than some of his immediate family coughyoungerbrothercough has!!
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #948511 by Uncorny Acorns
Jul 28, 2017 11:44am
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That was a classic backhanded compliment, and stings more coming from family, I know. For what it's worth here is some info (hope the link works):

http://m.wikihow.com/Deal-with-Passive-Aggressive-Relatives
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #949232 by Gremlands
May 5, 2019 3:59pm
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I know this post was nearly two years ago, and you might not even be on here anymore, but just in case I wanted to say thank you.

This explains a lot of dissonance that I feel in interactions with certain family members and I've returned to it several times for support.
Re: Wrong impressions...
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Reply to: #974886 by Uncorny Acorns
May 5, 2019 7:54pm
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I’m glad it’s helped you cope with difficult family members. You are most welcome and thank you for telling me. It nice to know I may have actually done something good in my life. :)