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Read Thread: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please

Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446401 by Puzzled Gardeners
Oct 1, 2009 5:07am
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My friends daughter had a girl in her class that bugged her for years. She called the principal and was told the girl has it tough, single mom and all that. My friend called the other mom and was basically told so what deal with it. After a while of this, my friend told her daughter if she ever touches you again hit her. Well it happened. My friends kid smacked the girl and she never bothered her again. Now fast forward a few years and this girl is picking on other kids. She is 14. She was bullying on my 7 yr old this summer. The other kids in the neighborhood ganged up on her and she left. And bleeding heart that I am felt bad for her for getting ganged up on.

My son had one incident a few years ago...when he was in 1st grade a 5th grader called him a sh**head. He told me, and I let it go. The next day this kid stole my kids shoe. I called the principal on that. Told him about the name calling and said i was willing to let that go. He said he wasnt they take bullying very seriously. I told him I have told my kid to go the proper channels first and if that doesnt work, they have my permission to fight back. Not that I condone fighting, but sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and the post above makes an excellent point. Most times the bully doesnt really want to fight. The principal said honestly between you and I, I agree with you...if talking doesnt work, sometimes you have to do it. This time it ended pretty quickly, my son got his shoe back and an appology. The kid moved on to the next school and they dont see each other. Now my kid is the 5th grader on the bus and he watches out for the little kids. :-)

Sorry so long...so go the proper channels first, then defend yourself. Document everything.
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446327 by Captain Slick Kitty
Oct 1, 2009 5:08am
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Slick Kitty,
First off, I'm sorry you and your child are going through this. I was a victim all through school.
My daughter (who is all grown up now) was bullied all through Elementary school. (same school I went to). It was a very rural area..... and the BIG SHOTS got away with anything and everything... and the rest of us suffered. When she reached about 6th grade she told me she just wasn't going to take their abuse anymore. She started kicking ass. She got a rep for being a fighter and got suspended a couple of times, but they left her alone. Every time she got suspended, they seemed surprised that I wasn't upset with her. I told them that SOMEONE had to do their job for them, it might as well be HER. In one instance she fought with a boy.... she never told me what he did or said to her, but she nailed him and he went down. He ended up in the nurses office and she got sent to the principals office. When the principal called me she said she had asked Rhonda if she'd do it again and she said YES. So they suspended her. I told the principal that we'd be GLAD to take that suspension because my child was brought up to tell the truth AND take responsibility for her own actions..... unlike most of the other animals who went to that school.

When I suggested moving to NC, she was ALL FOR IT. Like someone else mentioned..... new school, she BLOSSOMED and succeeded. She went on to high school, college and a successfull career.

The only advice I can offer is talk to the school and keep talking to the school .... maybe even attend a board meeting..... or take it to the state Board of Education.
Bullying shouldn't be tollerated on any level.

HUGS From one Mom to Another !
Dina B. Seeker
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446403 by theseekers1108
Oct 1, 2009 5:27am
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I'm not really replying to myself.... I just thought of something else.
I'm NOT condoning fighting......
not at all. I didn't want my child to be a troublemaker, but I got to the point where it was the lesser of two evils .... fight.... or take their crap.
Once a few of the bullys got their butts kicked, she got left alone.
Dina B.
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446400 by Winpax
Oct 1, 2009 8:49am
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As for you child, explain to them over and over that once they get out of school, things are so much different- you are not stuck with the same kids year after year. They won't comprehend it yet, but it does help and later in life they know you at least tried.

This sounds good but in practice, "the future" has no meaning to children--even teenagers nowadays--there is only 'this moment'. The damage is done by the bully and is irreparable. Ask anyone who's been through it. Check out the stories of those who have resorted to horrific means (i.e., attempted suicide) to rid themselves of the self-loathing that bullies can bring about.

If a person is lucky enough to find something to distract them later in their young life be it a special mentor, art, or other interest, this feeling of inadequacy can go on throughout their life.

I agree with the advice to be the squeeky wheel to the principal. Let him or her deal with the parents who might be the role model bullies for your bully!

~~Doublesaj~~
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446457 by DoubleSaj and Old Blue
Oct 1, 2009 9:05am
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Reporting problems to administration is partially the answer, but remaining passive to the threat will only bring on more abuse.

Maybe enrollment into a martial arts class might help with the problem.

Once a bully knows that the person will fight back, the bully will then look for other victims that are easy.

Don
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446470 by Don and Gwen
Oct 1, 2009 10:31am
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Once a bully knows that the person will fight back, the bully will then look for other victims that are easy.

My childhood experience was different. My best friend and I were picked on a lot, and she always put up the best fight that she could. The problem is that one skinny little girl can't really fight back against a group of taunting kids. They really seemed to get off on her responses. The more she fought back, the harder they pounded on her.

I kept my mouth shut, and my head down, and they (mostly) lost interest in me. (I'm not really proud of this now, but it worked at the time.)

She fought and flailed and screamed, and got the snot kicked out of her again and again. The jerk kids even stuck snakes in her underpants, because they knew they could hold her down and do that.

Kids spend a lot of energy testing out their social powers. It's up the the adults to make sure this doesn't get out of hand. In retrospect, I can't imagine that the teachers didn't hear the screaming, and see the group of kids pinning my friend to the ground.

Lisa
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446327 by Captain Slick Kitty
Oct 1, 2009 10:42am
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I had some issues with this last year, so here's my advice.

FIRST
Find out if your school or district has a No Bullying Policy. In Palm Beach County they have a very strict policy that must be adheared to and knowing what would and would not be tollerated before hand helped me to write a very effective letter to the school.

SECOND
Depending on how severe things are either call the school and write a letter. If there is a no bullying policy, include lines from that policy in your letter and let the school know you are aware of it. Do not send this letter to just one person! I sent my letter to the teacher, Principal and Behavior Specialist. It's better to have a system of checks and balance's. If you notify several people, you are much less likely to fall through the cracks beceause everyone is worried about job security these days.

THIRD
Follow up the next day and for however long is necessary and ensure the policy is handled properly. Talk to your kid (duh, I'm sure you've done that) and make sure they know they can tell you if things don't get better.

In my son's school they have this thing called "Peace Table" where the probelm child must sit down with the abused along with the Behavior Specialist. They must get to the root of the probelm and admit what has been done wrong and apologize for it. After that they must shake hands. Also, the parents are called and notified of the problem. If a probelm continues, harsher methods are taken like suspension; but, in our case the Peace Table was enough to make the problem stop and my son felt safe enough to go to school again.

Hope that helps some!
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446359 by DoubleSaj and Old Blue
Oct 1, 2009 10:52am
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And you know what, he went through high school with me and was voted "most likely to succeed" every year. He ended up living up to that award very nicely. Wonder what made him change?

Just curious - what is he successful at these days? Did he become a clothing designer since he wanted to help you with yours a couple times?
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446375 by Palmetto Princess
Oct 1, 2009 10:54am
Thread (disabled) Board
Sometimes that helps and sometimes it doesn't...
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446522 by koalacat
Oct 1, 2009 12:51pm
Thread (disabled) Board
And you know what, he went through high school with me and was voted "most likely to succeed" every year. He ended up living up to that award very nicely. Wonder what made him change?

Just curious - what is he successful at these days? Did he become a clothing designer since he wanted to help you with yours a couple times?

LOL! No. He was a microbiology major then got a doctorate in medical research. At the 15 year reunion he got the award for being in school the longest. At the 25 year reunion, he had done a stint in medical research then retired because the bureaucracy and paperwork got him down. Last I heard, he'd built a beautiful house by himself. Without going into detail, this is not a person ANYone would think would be a bully and, as you can surmise, our relationship became mutually respectful once we were a little more mature. Also, once I found my 'calling' in my Sophomore year in high school (theater and cheerleading!) I became the self-assured show-off many now know and love (or, at least, tolerate).

~~Doublesaj~~
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446375 by Palmetto Princess
Oct 1, 2009 1:12pm
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My brother was bullied in middle school and my parents went to the principal. The principal called the bully in while my brother and my mom were there in his office and confronted the bully in front of them. Of course the bully denied everything and the principal let it go at that. The next day the bully caught my brother in the restroom, roughed him up (tried to inject him with something in a syringe) and told him he'd kill him if he went to the principal again.

My brother told my parents and they decided to put my brother and myself into a private school. This was perhaps not the best idea, since my family did not share the religious fundamentalism of the school administration so my brother and I felt "bullied" by the teachers' religious stance.

If you go to the principal, be sure that the school has a strong no-violence policy to begin with and be prepared for what you will do if your complaint causes the violence to escalate.

I hope for your sake that the principal of your school is on the parents' side and feels an obligation to protect the students who are being bullied. I do agree though that documentation is key. It will be especially necessary should you have to go over the principal's head to the school board.

Knit Wit
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446359 by DoubleSaj and Old Blue
Oct 1, 2009 8:05pm
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When my mom was little, a boy bit her, so when my grandma found out, she went over and bit the kid right back.
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446736 by winged gypsy
Oct 2, 2009 7:15am
Thread (disabled) Board
When my mom was little, a boy bit her, so when my grandma found out, she went over and bit the kid right back.

So *that's* what's meant by "a tooth for a tooth....
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446818 by lisascenic
Oct 2, 2009 7:20am
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Gump Bit Bonkers!
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446736 by winged gypsy
Oct 2, 2009 7:40am
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When my mom was little, a boy bit her, so when my grandma found out, she went over and bit the kid right back.

"A guy came up to me on the street, and said he hadn't had a bite in days. So I bit him."

ba - dump - bump

"Thank you very much folks, and don't forget to tip the wait-staff."
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446400 by Winpax
Oct 6, 2009 10:40am
Thread (disabled) Board
I know that private schools have bullying also, kids are kids. My thing is with that, if the bully causes other parents to want to leave the school, money talks, private schools are running a business. I think that the threat of losing more than one "patron" due to bullying they might be more willing to get rid of & or deal with the bully. Private schools are legally obligated to educate EVERYONE. Private schools are not. Private schools have control over who is there and who isn't. Generally they will only tolerate so much before that child is asked to leave. I know at my school growing up and my kids' school, the "bad" kids don't last too long. Also if it is a religious school, they can focus more on values and whatnot from a religious aspect. I think public schools are great, my mom teaches at one and they do the best they can but they really lack control with who attends their schools and with punishments. I know my mom isn't even allowed to issue detentions...only suspensions (which she refuses to do since the kids look at it as a vacation). Private schools have their short-comings also so please don't think I am ripping on public schools. Some of the most intelligent and kind people I know were educated K-Senior year in public schools. Also , I am sure someone suggested talking to the parents of the bully? They may not be very receptive, sometimes the parents are worse than the kids or on the other hand, they may have NO IDEA that their kid is a bully. Talk to the teach and ask what that family is like first, I guess. It's a very fine line between making it better or much, much worse for your child. Do what you can to protect them but a little teasing builds character for sure. I would also in addition to all that get your kid into something that will build self esteem and muscle ;). Maybe some jiu-jitsu or judo. A martial art that teaches techniques that could be applied without punching or kicking (like TKD or karate do) and can actually be applied in a brawl. Not that you want your kid engaging anyone, but they should be able to defend his or herself if need be. It makes me so sad. I have 3 kids and I can't imagine the heartache it must cause to feel so helpless (and just want to go sock that little bullying brat in the face...grrr! Sorry protective mommy instinct kicking in) Good Luck!!!
~MB
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #446327 by Captain Slick Kitty
Oct 21, 2009 10:10am
Thread (disabled) Board
I have Slick Kitty, my son was terribly bullied, and only in 1st grade at the time. I continuously called the principal to get results, but she was too busy trying to get her funding to care. My little guy is such a nice kid, and he is small for his age, but it really got out of hand. This lasted over a period of perhaps ten school days in all. The last day at that school I picked him up and he had been punched so hard in the back by a third grader he bit through his tongue. This occurred in the boys bathroom, where he had gone with a "buddy" to protect him. What's a fellow 1st grader going to do exactly? Not only that -- but all of the kids teased him about needing a "body guard".

So with the principal refusing to address the issue, I drove my son over to the police station. I filed a police report against the school, and one personally against the principal. The next day you can bet she payed attention! She actually banged on my van's window to get my attention, then suggested it was my son's fault. Really now? Anyway, I got him into our parish school -- on scholarship -- within four days. I know the school district would have moved him to a better school, especially if I filed a formal complaint with them, however, the parochial school was my best option.

Good Luck, and I am sorry to hear you and our daughter are going through this,

KC
PS: this was in Oxnard.
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #452968 by Team Serra's Silver
Oct 21, 2009 10:35am
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Apparently this was going on in a lot of our towns school (by this I mean older ones bullying younger ones). Our town has now gone to what is called centers. The school 4 houses down from me is the Pre K and K and the school all the way across town from us is the 1st and 2nd grades(my two are in 1st) and then the school in front of my parents house is the 3 and 4 th grades and then one school has just the 5th graders and then we have a middle school with 6th and 7 th graders and then the Jr is 8th and 9th graders. High School is 10-12.

I don't know if this has helped because I homeschooled a little before putting ours in the public schools but I hope so.

I'm so sorry to hear that a person who is suppose to be there for a child was like that. I'm glad you made a police report, I wouldn't have known where to go and my husband would have taken matters into his own hands and ended up in jail.

GG
*sorry forgot to mention we are from Oklahoma*
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #452975 by Goofy girl
Oct 21, 2009 7:13pm
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GG, we are moving to Oklahoma next month!! We have to hook up! (Totally off-topic, sorry everyone)

I am glad we made the police report too. It was my dad's idea actually. We were interviewed by that particular school's police officer (because that's the way this town rolls) and he didn't want to take the report initially saying "well come back if it happens again".

"No, take the reports, because the violence is worsening every single day. I need to do this, and you have to do this." He was quite nice about it -- and was saying "alright, I understand" etc.

Meanwhile, an attorney brought me into his office (my midwife told him the story) and he was going to try to sue the school district for understaffing and for not addressing it. I didn't want money, I wanted it ADDRESSED. I told him if my kids' parochial education would be covered I'd take that, but that's it. Nothing came out of it. Either way, it really should be addressed in any school district where kids are not being watched because of budget-cuts, and teachers and principals worry about the dang state-mandated testing and resulting funding to worry about the actual kids and bullying issues.

For shame on the "No Child Left Behind" act.
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #453164 by Team Serra's Silver
Oct 21, 2009 7:40pm
Thread (disabled) Board
you have email.

GG
Re: Bullying in Cal school . . . need advise please
Board: State: California
Reply to: #452975 by Goofy girl
Oct 23, 2009 7:32am
Thread (disabled) Board
I am so sorry for all of those that experienced bullying in school and for the parents who are dealing with it in their parenting experiences.

PLEASE- Don't just go to the principal over and over. Yes, file a complaint but then- Get involved. Join the PTA. Volunteer in the classroom. Bullying is a HUGE problem in this county. And while bullying has gone on for decades, we are in a time in this country where bullies don't just pull dresses over a girl's head anymore. Sometimes, what starts out as bullying in elementary and middle school becomes Columbine, or Laramie Wyoming, or Virginia Tech.

My good friend visits high schools to talk to kids about hurtful language and cannot believe what she hears. We're from Sacramento and live in a VERY diverse community. Yet still, somehow, in this era where we have an African-American president, she still hears the N word frequently. And what the kids do to the akward kids or overwieght kids or opening gay kids is completely heinous and sometimes illegal and, in some cases, deadly.

Unfortunately, it probably started in their homes for the bullies. They heard mom or dad call someone on TV a "fatso" or heard them refer to a gay person by the F-word and translated that into permission to position themselves against people who are different than them.

Your child is probably not the only child getting bullied. Get together with other parents in the school, research workshops offered by non-profit organizations and take a pro-active approach. Good luck!